1.The plan was natural—all natural. No need for a doctor, or interventions, or “drugs”.
2 AM and it begins.
5:45 AM at the birthing center—full of hope, determination and nervous energy. Everything looks good.
12 hours later…things just aren’t working. Time for a transfer…is hope lost? 6AM—tears flow from two different faces. A decision is made. One that will change everything, but circumstances necessitate. A husband supports his laboring wife through it all.
6:41 AM the cries of a newborn fill the surgery room. Tears flow again, but of joy this time.
When will this end?
2.A dark hospital room, lit only by faint fluorescent seeping through the crack under the bathroom door. A new mother lies in bed, a light sleep allowing her minimal rest for the task awaiting her. A newborn boy snuggled, wrapped under the sheet, nuzzles the neck of his mother, immediately understanding and accepting of her protective touch.
When will this end?
3.Emergency status--that was the diagnosis. Already a pound lost and less than a week old. Refusal to nurse. Crying, crying, crying. The tears stream down three different faces. A new father feeds by syringe. The babe has to have formula, a less than ideal start to this new life.
When will this end?
Nursing:
12 AM
2 AM
4 AM
6 AM
8 AM
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?
4.Sitting all alone. Her husband sleeps a restless slumber, she groggily feeds their child. Resentment builds against the sleeping world. Hoping for some return to normalcy. Feeling alone and smothered.
When will this end?
5.Crying. Diaper change. Crying. Feeding. Crying. What does he need?? Feeling helpless to make it better. Ignorance is an unpleasant taste in her mouth. A trial by fire.
When will this end?
6.Snuggling in the crook of her neck, arms limp at his sides. Breathing in the scent of his mother as he giggles quietly in his sleep, dreaming of who knows what. Breath so sweet, she smiles, in love.
When will this end?
7.A routine: bath, lotion, stories, nursing…he falls asleep on her shoulder. Yay! The mother feels victorious as she sneaks out of the room, prepared to conquer many a line from her “To-Do” list. The feeling of triumph is quickly replaced by despair as cries pierce the air minutes later. The soothing: pat-pat-pat, rock-rock-rock, bounce-bounce-bounce, shh-shh-shh begins…and continues on…
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
troubles in La-La Land....
poor lil baby Jax. he is NOT a fan of sleeping...or at least not of FALLING asleep. but his mommy and daddy sure are! it is at this time in his life that we are working with a sleep schedule and a bedtime routine. but damn is it unpleasant!
i feel like i'm doing something wrong because it takes anywhere from 1-3+ hours to get the guy "officially" asleep for the night. that seems abnormal. and when he finally does sleep, it's after much soothing on our parts and it seems he's just crashing b/c he's so tired. and then the whole next day he's just off.
we start sometime b/t 5 and 5:30 with a bath/lotion, stories (sometimes) and nursing. then it's rocking in the glider, patting him on the back and the constant "shhhh-shhhh-shhhh". gradually he falls asleep after much twitching and "groaning" (although it is soooo cute!). i continue to pat the back and rock, but take out the "shhh" and pat lighter and lighter until all i'm doing is rocking. just when i think we're good to go, he turns his face back and forth on my shoulder, whimpers and starts his fussing again.
back to the soothing routine of "rock, pat, shhhh....rock, pat shhhh" over and over again. back to sleep he goes, with some protesting along the way. once again i get him to a point where it seems safe and i slowly get up from the glider and make my way to the crib. if i'm lucky, i can get him into the crib and sneak away to eat dinner. oftentimes i'm not lucky and the minute i begin to put him into the crib, or once i've got him in the crib, he starts to cry and wakes up.
soothe.
soothe.
soothe.
try again. this time will i eat my dinner? will i get to spend time with my baby daddy? should i start on the costume or choreography i need to get to? what about that book i have to read for school? maybe i should just go to sleep.
soothe.
soothe.
soothe.
sometimes it repeats over and over again for a few hours until i just give up and take him into the bed with me and we both go to sleep.
sometimes he goes to sleep and wakes up 30 minutes later, then i soothe him back to sleep.
this can't be normal...or can it?
now, i have to say, once he's down, he's out for a few hours...4 if we're lucky. then he's in the bed with me, waking about every 2 hours or so. sometimes to nurse, others because of some other reason--
he's hot...
he want's to stretch out...
he wants to snuggle...
he's wet...
he's gassy...
there are so many variables when it comes to the continuity of his sleep--and mine.
i get so annoyed when i have to keep soothing him over and over again just to get him to go to sleep. i want him to have healthy sleep habits, but i feel like it's such a struggle and i get so frustrated with it...with him. i want to have the opportunity to do what i want to do. i want to feel some freedom, not like i'm tied down and imprisoned in the nursery, destined to spend eternity in the glider while the rest of the world moves on without me. and then i get angry with myself for getting upset with him and for feeling so selfish. he's a baby for crying out loud---what does he know? this is how he is...he can't help it. we are his whole world right now.
and then i think i need to just accept it for what it is and learn to work with it. deal with it. he'll only be in this stage for a short period of time. he WANTS to snuggle with me and sleep on my chest. he won't want to do that in a short time. before i know it, he'll be off on his own--married, a child of his own, forgetting to call his mother.
geez, i'm getting ahead of myself. but it does help, in some ways to think of the impending future. it allows me to see the other side of this struggle and to appreciate the good parts of it. to see it for the positive.
and i just can't help it--i love, love, love that little boy snuggled up in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent, grabbing hold of my shirt, drooling on my shoulder....and i don't want him to grow up too fast.
so, i'll deal with the struggle for sleep, knowing that in no time at all, he'll be sleeping the days away and i'll be fighting to get him up in the morning.
i feel like i'm doing something wrong because it takes anywhere from 1-3+ hours to get the guy "officially" asleep for the night. that seems abnormal. and when he finally does sleep, it's after much soothing on our parts and it seems he's just crashing b/c he's so tired. and then the whole next day he's just off.
we start sometime b/t 5 and 5:30 with a bath/lotion, stories (sometimes) and nursing. then it's rocking in the glider, patting him on the back and the constant "shhhh-shhhh-shhhh". gradually he falls asleep after much twitching and "groaning" (although it is soooo cute!). i continue to pat the back and rock, but take out the "shhh" and pat lighter and lighter until all i'm doing is rocking. just when i think we're good to go, he turns his face back and forth on my shoulder, whimpers and starts his fussing again.
back to the soothing routine of "rock, pat, shhhh....rock, pat shhhh" over and over again. back to sleep he goes, with some protesting along the way. once again i get him to a point where it seems safe and i slowly get up from the glider and make my way to the crib. if i'm lucky, i can get him into the crib and sneak away to eat dinner. oftentimes i'm not lucky and the minute i begin to put him into the crib, or once i've got him in the crib, he starts to cry and wakes up.
soothe.
soothe.
soothe.
try again. this time will i eat my dinner? will i get to spend time with my baby daddy? should i start on the costume or choreography i need to get to? what about that book i have to read for school? maybe i should just go to sleep.
soothe.
soothe.
soothe.
sometimes it repeats over and over again for a few hours until i just give up and take him into the bed with me and we both go to sleep.
sometimes he goes to sleep and wakes up 30 minutes later, then i soothe him back to sleep.
this can't be normal...or can it?
now, i have to say, once he's down, he's out for a few hours...4 if we're lucky. then he's in the bed with me, waking about every 2 hours or so. sometimes to nurse, others because of some other reason--
he's hot...
he want's to stretch out...
he wants to snuggle...
he's wet...
he's gassy...
there are so many variables when it comes to the continuity of his sleep--and mine.
i get so annoyed when i have to keep soothing him over and over again just to get him to go to sleep. i want him to have healthy sleep habits, but i feel like it's such a struggle and i get so frustrated with it...with him. i want to have the opportunity to do what i want to do. i want to feel some freedom, not like i'm tied down and imprisoned in the nursery, destined to spend eternity in the glider while the rest of the world moves on without me. and then i get angry with myself for getting upset with him and for feeling so selfish. he's a baby for crying out loud---what does he know? this is how he is...he can't help it. we are his whole world right now.
and then i think i need to just accept it for what it is and learn to work with it. deal with it. he'll only be in this stage for a short period of time. he WANTS to snuggle with me and sleep on my chest. he won't want to do that in a short time. before i know it, he'll be off on his own--married, a child of his own, forgetting to call his mother.
geez, i'm getting ahead of myself. but it does help, in some ways to think of the impending future. it allows me to see the other side of this struggle and to appreciate the good parts of it. to see it for the positive.
and i just can't help it--i love, love, love that little boy snuggled up in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent, grabbing hold of my shirt, drooling on my shoulder....and i don't want him to grow up too fast.
so, i'll deal with the struggle for sleep, knowing that in no time at all, he'll be sleeping the days away and i'll be fighting to get him up in the morning.
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