growing up, you think you understand guilt.
there are things you do that you know you shouldn't
you tell a lie to save yourself a few times
you forget to do your chores or your homework
you disappoint your parents
you feel guilt.
you get a little older and you feel guilt and think you understand it a bit more--but this time, it's not because of an interaction with others, it's from not meeting your own expectations.
guilt for drinking too much and acting a fool
guilt for eating what you know you shouldn't
guilt for not working out like you had planned to do
you feel guilt.
but, you never truly understand guilt until you are a parent. now, i couldn't have said this, or understood it even, until now. and it's not anyone telling me i should do things differently or anyone "harping" on me, being disappointed in me and my actions or nonactions.
Jaxon doesn't have a way to tell me i should feel guilty, but i do.
Guilt for working full time and not being there day in and day out for him
Guilt for getting frustrated when he wakes me up in the middle of the night
Guilt for wanting to have something in my life that doesn't involve him, that's my
own thing (yoga, pilates, dance)
Guilt for feeling resentful that i don't get to do the things i want
Guilt for everything that i feel i'm not doing right or feeling ignorant about
there is just no way to know how you will react to things and no way to know how you will feel about things until you are in the situation. and you just have to learn to work through it.
the cycle continues...
wow. a learning experience...
what else do i say?
