got milk? i do. and the Baby Jax prefers it to anything else. and while that IS a good thing, i feel like i am one big set of milk-producing boobies, ready to be chomped upon.
who calms the crying baby? the milk machine.
who gets up at all hours of the night? the milk machine.
who is at his beck and call? the milk machine.
who has an overactive let down? the milk machine.
you want to gulp down your food cause ya got somewhere to go, somethin to do, people to see? come to the milk machine.
poor baby Jax who regularly gets sprayed in the face, gulps down his food so fast and loudly, i swear the kid's done in 5-10 minutes... and has the air bubbles to prove it.
i worry:
how can i feed this little piglet enough AND pump so that there's a supply for a night out, or when i go back to work?
how can anyone calm him down when he's upset---they're not the milk machine.
in some ways that makes me really happy...and in other ways, i think it really sucks ass.
but what the babe wants, the babe gets...and i wonder, when do i get mine? what would i want anyway? hmmmmm...i'll get back to you on that one.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
grieving
there is a certain amount of grieving one has to do in life. it's part of what makes us human and humble...and what makes us realize our mortality which is essential to living life the way it was meant to be.
grief usually is when something is lost--a loved one, a memento, an opportunity...
but grieving also happens at birth. you grieve for the "loss" of your "former" life. you grieve for the loss of actually being pregnant. and you grieve when the birth doesn't happen the way you envisioned and planned for all those months. of course, you aren't in control of much when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth, but you hope you'll have the opportunity to experience this birth the way you planned. and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard to accept it and move on.
granted you have a beautiful little being living and breathing because of all the love and hard work you did BEFORE the birth. and that's what really counts. but when you feel like all the things you did to get yourself ready to give birth really didn't matter because your ideal birth was taken away from you in the end, it hurts. and you grieve.
you second guess the things you did from the time you knew you were in labor and you wonder what could you have done differently? this wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. you feel like it affects your recovery--would that have been different if things would have worked out for you? you feel like it affects the way your body looks. you feel like it affects the things you can physically do now--you've had major abdominal surgery.
that's the most difficult thing of all. knowing that throughout the pregnancy, surgery and unnecessary interventions are what you wanted to avoid. you're healthy, active and fit. so of course, there's no way you could need help getting this baby out. but in the end it's not up to you. it never was.
and for that, you grieve.
grief usually is when something is lost--a loved one, a memento, an opportunity...
but grieving also happens at birth. you grieve for the "loss" of your "former" life. you grieve for the loss of actually being pregnant. and you grieve when the birth doesn't happen the way you envisioned and planned for all those months. of course, you aren't in control of much when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth, but you hope you'll have the opportunity to experience this birth the way you planned. and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard to accept it and move on.
granted you have a beautiful little being living and breathing because of all the love and hard work you did BEFORE the birth. and that's what really counts. but when you feel like all the things you did to get yourself ready to give birth really didn't matter because your ideal birth was taken away from you in the end, it hurts. and you grieve.
you second guess the things you did from the time you knew you were in labor and you wonder what could you have done differently? this wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. you feel like it affects your recovery--would that have been different if things would have worked out for you? you feel like it affects the way your body looks. you feel like it affects the things you can physically do now--you've had major abdominal surgery.
that's the most difficult thing of all. knowing that throughout the pregnancy, surgery and unnecessary interventions are what you wanted to avoid. you're healthy, active and fit. so of course, there's no way you could need help getting this baby out. but in the end it's not up to you. it never was.
and for that, you grieve.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
breastfeeding is hard to do...at first
in the hospital, Jaxon didn't get a "proper" latch. in fact it was downright painful. i was bleeding and raw and sore and scabbed over. the lactation consultants there suggested a nipple shield. i honestly wish i had said "no". this made it more difficult for us to feed and actually hurt worse.
for something that is supposed to be so natural, it sure is difficult.
at one point, he wouldn't even take to the shield. so, my baby, who was SUPPOSED to be a natural born, water baby but came into the world on an epidural and a c-section wouldn't breastfeed. no nipple, no nipple shield, just crying and screaming and losing weight and dehydration.
the woes of a first-time mom.
when we were discharged from the hospital, he weighed 7lbs, 5 oz... a bit lower than his birthweight of 8lbs, 1oz, but all still within the normal range. by this point we had given in and given him some formula here and there so he would eat, but this was done with MUCH hesitation. we didn't want our baby to be a formula baby, just like we didn't want him to be all drugged when he was born. but things change, i guess.
the day after we were discharged, he had gone for more than 16 hours without eating and hadn't had much in the way of dirty diapers. we were worried, so we took him to an after hours clinic. he was definitely dehydrated, weak and had lost a whole pound since he'd been born. according to the doc, we were in "emergency" territory now. they sent us home with a pack of formula and me crying b/c things just weren't happening the way i had envisioned for the last 10 months.
we brought a lactation consultant to the house (a friend of mine) and she worked with us extensively for about 2 hours. why couldn't the ones in the hospital be more like her?!?!?
i started pumping and continued to try to feed Jaxon--who continued to not be very interested, and my husband began finger feeding him with a curve-tipped syringe. we would put expressed breastmilk into the syringe and Jaxon would suck on my husband's finger while my husband slowly squirted breastmilk into Jaxon's mouth. of course, at this point, we still had to supplement with formula.
it began to work. Jaxon started gaining weight (we had borrowed a scale) and he seemed to like the milk. plus, since i was pumping, i had more milk and we were able to stop supplementing. we continued to work with the latch.
it was a very tough few weeks. there was lots of crying--from both me and Jaxon. there was lots of frustration--from all of us. and there was quite a bit of pain involved as well--for me.
now, Jaxon is 3 weeks and a day. he loves his mommy and wants to nurse pretty frequently. sometimes the latch is still pretty painful, but mostly we've gotten the hang of it. gone are the feedings with the syringe. sometimes, i miss that simply b/c it was so cute to watch my husband feed our son this way... and it saved me from having to get up in the middle of the night every time to feed him (as long as i had pumped).
but, at the same time, i am glad we are past it. it was difficult and very trying. not the way i had hoped. i am glad now that Jaxon and i get to bond during his feedings. i am glad that he prefers me to formula or the bottle or to the syringe.
if i ever have another child and end up in the hospital again, i will know better what to do and what not to do. and i will definitely not hesitate to bring in my friend to work with me instead of the consultants at the hospital (not that they aren't educated, they just can't give you the time and attention you need to make it successful).
and so we go.
for something that is supposed to be so natural, it sure is difficult.
at one point, he wouldn't even take to the shield. so, my baby, who was SUPPOSED to be a natural born, water baby but came into the world on an epidural and a c-section wouldn't breastfeed. no nipple, no nipple shield, just crying and screaming and losing weight and dehydration.
the woes of a first-time mom.
when we were discharged from the hospital, he weighed 7lbs, 5 oz... a bit lower than his birthweight of 8lbs, 1oz, but all still within the normal range. by this point we had given in and given him some formula here and there so he would eat, but this was done with MUCH hesitation. we didn't want our baby to be a formula baby, just like we didn't want him to be all drugged when he was born. but things change, i guess.
the day after we were discharged, he had gone for more than 16 hours without eating and hadn't had much in the way of dirty diapers. we were worried, so we took him to an after hours clinic. he was definitely dehydrated, weak and had lost a whole pound since he'd been born. according to the doc, we were in "emergency" territory now. they sent us home with a pack of formula and me crying b/c things just weren't happening the way i had envisioned for the last 10 months.
we brought a lactation consultant to the house (a friend of mine) and she worked with us extensively for about 2 hours. why couldn't the ones in the hospital be more like her?!?!?
i started pumping and continued to try to feed Jaxon--who continued to not be very interested, and my husband began finger feeding him with a curve-tipped syringe. we would put expressed breastmilk into the syringe and Jaxon would suck on my husband's finger while my husband slowly squirted breastmilk into Jaxon's mouth. of course, at this point, we still had to supplement with formula.
it began to work. Jaxon started gaining weight (we had borrowed a scale) and he seemed to like the milk. plus, since i was pumping, i had more milk and we were able to stop supplementing. we continued to work with the latch.
it was a very tough few weeks. there was lots of crying--from both me and Jaxon. there was lots of frustration--from all of us. and there was quite a bit of pain involved as well--for me.
now, Jaxon is 3 weeks and a day. he loves his mommy and wants to nurse pretty frequently. sometimes the latch is still pretty painful, but mostly we've gotten the hang of it. gone are the feedings with the syringe. sometimes, i miss that simply b/c it was so cute to watch my husband feed our son this way... and it saved me from having to get up in the middle of the night every time to feed him (as long as i had pumped).
but, at the same time, i am glad we are past it. it was difficult and very trying. not the way i had hoped. i am glad now that Jaxon and i get to bond during his feedings. i am glad that he prefers me to formula or the bottle or to the syringe.
if i ever have another child and end up in the hospital again, i will know better what to do and what not to do. and i will definitely not hesitate to bring in my friend to work with me instead of the consultants at the hospital (not that they aren't educated, they just can't give you the time and attention you need to make it successful).
and so we go.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Jaxon's birth story
My water broke @ 2am on Tuesday September 15th. We waited till about 2:30 to call AABC just to make sure. Joan told us to relax, time the contractions and to try to eat something. She told us we had a few hours to go before we needed to go anywhere since I hadn’t had bloody show and the contractions weren’t too close nor were they too painful. An hour later, I had bloody show and my contractions were steadily 3 minutes apart and getting stronger. I could no longer walk during the contractions and was having difficulty talking as well.
We decided to head to AABC at about 5am or so. I was only dilated to 4cm, but completely effaced and at +1 station. I labored in the halls, walking around, swaying, slightly squatting until my room was ready. By the look and feel of things, I was progressing pretty nicely once I moved into my birthing room. Contractions were very strong and were coming one right after the other. The Bradley method really helped me cope with the contractions---there is no way I could have done it without it. Annabelle was the midwife working with me and she was amazing. I was really looking forward to my water birth!
We were @ the Birthing Center till about 5 pm or so. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to matter what we did—visualization, different positions, stimulation, nothing was helping me to progress. The contractions were very strong, and one right after the other, but I was still only @ 5cm. and twice, my contractions had just stopped all together. This was very disappointing considering my water had broken over 12 hours before, and I still had ½ way to go, and time wasn’t on my side.
Annabelle and Lauren came in and told me they thought I needed pitocin to help my progression—which meant I was going to have to transfer away from the center, to a hospital. I was devastated, but I knew it was the right thing after the long day I’d already had. We transferred to St. David’s downtown into the care of Dr. Mankovsky.
I knew if I was going to get pitocin, I was going to get the epidural. I had heard too many horror stories about pitocin and had already labored for over 12 hours and just didn’t want to deal with pain from pitocin-induced contractions. I will say, the epidural allowed me to get some much needed rest, which was nice.
At 1:30am Wednesday, 9/16/09, I was finally dilated to 10 and ready to push. I pushed for almost 4 hours. And all we could see was the “cap” of Jaxon’s head. I was so sure I was going to be able to push him out, but it just wasn’t happening. His head was swelling at the cap and I was beginning to swell as well.
At 5:30 am, we made the decision to have a c-section. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Far from the birth I wanted to have, I was having the exact birth I wanted to avoid at all costs. I have to applaud Dr. Mankovsky and the nurse on duty that night. They never pressured me in any way, and allowed me to go as far as I thought I could. My midwife, Annabelle was there the entire time, supporting me and truly involved throughout. Jaxon’s heartbeat was constantly going strong throughout the entire labor, thank goodness!
After 28 hours, at 6:41 am on Wednesday, 9/16/09, Jaxon Jedi Kane (8lbs 1 oz.) was delivered to a very happy (and exhausted) mom and dad. Although it wasn’t what I had planned, we have a beautiful baby boy. I feel like we did everything we could to avoid an unnecessary surgery and I have an amazing little boy to show for it.
We decided to head to AABC at about 5am or so. I was only dilated to 4cm, but completely effaced and at +1 station. I labored in the halls, walking around, swaying, slightly squatting until my room was ready. By the look and feel of things, I was progressing pretty nicely once I moved into my birthing room. Contractions were very strong and were coming one right after the other. The Bradley method really helped me cope with the contractions---there is no way I could have done it without it. Annabelle was the midwife working with me and she was amazing. I was really looking forward to my water birth!
We were @ the Birthing Center till about 5 pm or so. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to matter what we did—visualization, different positions, stimulation, nothing was helping me to progress. The contractions were very strong, and one right after the other, but I was still only @ 5cm. and twice, my contractions had just stopped all together. This was very disappointing considering my water had broken over 12 hours before, and I still had ½ way to go, and time wasn’t on my side.
Annabelle and Lauren came in and told me they thought I needed pitocin to help my progression—which meant I was going to have to transfer away from the center, to a hospital. I was devastated, but I knew it was the right thing after the long day I’d already had. We transferred to St. David’s downtown into the care of Dr. Mankovsky.
I knew if I was going to get pitocin, I was going to get the epidural. I had heard too many horror stories about pitocin and had already labored for over 12 hours and just didn’t want to deal with pain from pitocin-induced contractions. I will say, the epidural allowed me to get some much needed rest, which was nice.
At 1:30am Wednesday, 9/16/09, I was finally dilated to 10 and ready to push. I pushed for almost 4 hours. And all we could see was the “cap” of Jaxon’s head. I was so sure I was going to be able to push him out, but it just wasn’t happening. His head was swelling at the cap and I was beginning to swell as well.
At 5:30 am, we made the decision to have a c-section. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Far from the birth I wanted to have, I was having the exact birth I wanted to avoid at all costs. I have to applaud Dr. Mankovsky and the nurse on duty that night. They never pressured me in any way, and allowed me to go as far as I thought I could. My midwife, Annabelle was there the entire time, supporting me and truly involved throughout. Jaxon’s heartbeat was constantly going strong throughout the entire labor, thank goodness!
After 28 hours, at 6:41 am on Wednesday, 9/16/09, Jaxon Jedi Kane (8lbs 1 oz.) was delivered to a very happy (and exhausted) mom and dad. Although it wasn’t what I had planned, we have a beautiful baby boy. I feel like we did everything we could to avoid an unnecessary surgery and I have an amazing little boy to show for it.
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