grieving

there is a certain amount of grieving one has to do in life. it's part of what makes us human and humble...and what makes us realize our mortality which is essential to living life the way it was meant to be.
grief usually is when something is lost--a loved one, a memento, an opportunity...
but grieving also happens at birth. you grieve for the "loss" of your "former" life. you grieve for the loss of actually being pregnant. and you grieve when the birth doesn't happen the way you envisioned and planned for all those months. of course, you aren't in control of much when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth, but you hope you'll have the opportunity to experience this birth the way you planned. and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard to accept it and move on.
granted you have a beautiful little being living and breathing because of all the love and hard work you did BEFORE the birth. and that's what really counts. but when you feel like all the things you did to get yourself ready to give birth really didn't matter because your ideal birth was taken away from you in the end, it hurts. and you grieve.
you second guess the things you did from the time you knew you were in labor and you wonder what could you have done differently? this wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. you feel like it affects your recovery--would that have been different if things would have worked out for you? you feel like it affects the way your body looks. you feel like it affects the things you can physically do now--you've had major abdominal surgery.
that's the most difficult thing of all. knowing that throughout the pregnancy, surgery and unnecessary interventions are what you wanted to avoid. you're healthy, active and fit. so of course, there's no way you could need help getting this baby out. but in the end it's not up to you. it never was.
and for that, you grieve.