funny thing about this post...i actually started to write it 3 months ago. but i only got as far as the title.
gee, i must've been real dedicated to it. nope. i guess it just wasn't meant to be written at that time.
so here we are now, 3 months later and Jax is officially an 11 month ol--what??? did i just say 11 MONTHS?!?!? yep. that's right. he is. hard to believe, i know. but it's true.
so, he's 11 months old, and yes, we are still nursing. the boy eats solid food ~ 4 times a day. he has 2 teeth and i think he's working on a 3rd. but yes, we are still nursing. much to the surprise of some of those around us.
before Jaxon was born, i had a goal in mind of nursing till he was a year, because i had been told that was what was best, and i AM the good little girl who *usually* follows the rules and advice like this. but with all the troubles we had in the beginning, i thought nursing was something that just wasn't going to happen.
then i went through a phase where i hated that i was doing it and wished i had just gone the "easier" route and done formula, because then ANYone (read: baby daddy) could get up with Jax the multiple times in one night to feed him. and this sentiment would trade off with one where i felt proud to be nursing my Jax because i knew that's what's best for him. and i decided i was going to make it to 6 months and see what happened. 6 months...i could do that.
i vascillated between these two mindsets constantly and have been over the last few months. and it's because Jax is a mover. he doesn't sit still often, and that doesn't change when he nurses. sometimes i call it "violent", but i'm not sure if that's the right word for it. maybe "vigorous" is a better term. it's not like you can just fall asleep while he nurses. not a chance. i have had to bounce or rock him sometimes. other times i've had to hold his hand because he's hitting or scratching me or pulling on my shirt. and other times, he's pushing his feet up against the chair and making us both move. sometimes, it's ALL of these things...and that just makes it unpleasant for me. it makes me feel trapped.
it was during one of these moments of indecisiveness that i realized that i HAD to continue to nurse him unless he WAS going to be a formula baby. i don't know, it felt like some sort of epiphany. if i stopped at 9 months, he had to switch to formula--which i didn't see him doing easily. so, it's like i no longer had an option. and once again, i felt trapped. and, to be clear, formula is not something i wanted to do. it's not that i thought it was "wrong" or like i was trying to be "snooty". it's just not something we, as parents, wanted for Jax. we wanted to give him what we considered the best possible start in life. and to us, that meant nursing.
but the best possible start in life at the expense of a mother who feels trapped? does that lead to resentment? yes. irritability? yes. fatigue? yes. all of these. and so much more that you probably can't even put in words.
but i kept at it. and, amazingly, i am still going. it's like now i can see the finish line. and if i've made it this far, why not keep on keepin on? he's healthy. we've definitely bonded. i look down at him and he looks up at me and it makes me cry. it's such a strong emotional bond between the two of us. he's totally and completely in love with me. and i am with him as well.
even though there's been this constant back and forth, i think if i had to do it all over again, i would still nurse. i would still set my goal for a year. it's possible i would still go back and forth on how i feel about the whole thing, but i would still do it. it's what's best, right?
**remind me i said this if i ever have another child. it would have to be easier the second time around, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment