This is 4...

So. Four years old.

So.
Handsome.
Adorable.
Inquisitive.
Energetic.
Talkative.
Knowledgeable.
Moody.

Let's talk about that last one, there. Moody. I swear, this kid's mood swings can rival a pregnant mommy school teacher right before state testing. Who's hungry. And sleep-deprived.

One minute, he's sweet and lovable. Laughing and playing along nicely with others. The next, everyone's a "meanie!" and you "better stop it" before he punches you with his fist and growls at you. Or stomps off to some other spot in the house after throwing whatever he was working on. Then, he moves right into crying about how things are "too hard" and nobody "helps him".

I swear, it's enough to make me turn into Mr. Hyde or some similar facsimile thereof. Mrs. Hyde--the Insane Mommy. I read somewhere that we all have a part to play in the little dramas that affect us. You know, "What was my role in creating this situation?"

Well, I know good and well what my role was in creating the "Jaxuation", but in each of the situations where he flies off the handle, it is not always easy for me to see my role. I need to get better at catching myself in the moment so I can see where the switch is flipped--though, truth be told, I'm not always involved in these moody Jax moments.

Something to work on this year...and all the years to come, I guess.

For now, here's a little something I like to call "a perfect representation of life with a 4yo":

Stewie Griffin pesters his mamma

Tapping in or simply synthesis?

I can't tell you how many times since Jax has been born that he does or says something that throws us for a loop.

As he gets older, his thoughts and sayings tend to be more well-developed and thought-out theories on various things:

• why the plants grow the way they do
• whether that tiny gecko on the carpet in the middle of the hallway is simply hurt or scared
• why that tiny gecko is in our house
  
  

Everything has a reason for being or doing and Jax often knows, or thinks he knows, the answer. Often times he's right. A lot of times he's not. Sometimes, he is just plain cute.

Take, for example, this little gem from his birthday morning:

(Looking at his feet)-"Mom, I can look at my feet and tell that I'm 4 today. They look 4."

To me, this seemed a fairly normal, innocuous preschooler musing. Quite adorable, for sure.

But, when 5 minutes later, I was hearing his musings over reincarnation, I was, understandably, picking pieces of grey matter out of my hair:

(With the most serious face I have seen on this little jokester in a while): "Mom, when people die, their spirit leaves their body and joins up with all the other spirits-the people and the animals-and it becomes the force. If people come back alive with their spirit, it's with different bones that are growed together."

My first thought: "What? Did he just say that?"

My second thought: "We read too much Star Wars."

My third thought: "Did he really just say that? Wow. Can there BE too much Star Wars? I love this kid. Dang. I gotta post this on Facebook!" (haha!)

In all seriousness though, when I hear these types of comments or have these types of conversations with him, it's hard for me to fathom where he is going to be later on his journey. If he is already contemplating life and having mini epiphanies at the ripe old age of 4...man. He's got so much to teach us!

And yes, I share these Jaxisms and quotes from him as a partial brag. It's true. I do want some praise from the masses on the interwebs telling me that my kid is awesome. But honestly, in a lot of ways, I really just want feedback. I want to know how to foster this sense of...whatever it is so that he doesn't lose it. I want to know how far is too far to push him? What is he really capable of? Am I just biased, or is he really that amazing?

Who am I kidding? Of course he's amazing. He's my kid. But, you know what I mean...how do I help him be him without expecting too much?

Jaxism...

Upon having my Lego knight knocked off my horse, I claimed I was second winner. Jax said HE was second winner. I said he was first winner and I was second. He said he was both. So...what does that make me?

A Jedi Master or Simply a Wise Youngling?

"Kids say the darndest things", don't they? I see this old adage played out daily in our house. We often write down what Jax says, his little 'Jaxisms' and I've noticed that there are a few different categories of these -isms. 

For your reading pleasure:

1. "oh-my-gosh-you-just-said-that-I-am-so-embarrassed" 
2. "awwwww-that's-so-insanely-sweet"
3. "you-are-so-gross"
4. "wow-you-understood-that"
5. "I-don't-know-how-to-respond-to-that"

Sometimes their honesty and lack of awareness of social norms is surprising and quite humorous. Here is a perfect example of category #1:

Jax: Seeing a larger lady walk by and pointing, "Mom, she is fat. Why is she fat?"

Me: "Well, Jaxon, all people are different. It's not about what she looks like, it's about who she is." 

[Well, what was I supposed to say to that?]

Jax: "Well, who is she?"

Me: "I don't know."

Geez. Let's see. What might he have learned from that exchange?...'She must not be important then if it's about who she is and we don't know her.' Way to go me! [d'oh!]

...And, #2:

Jax: "Mom, you are my favorite mommy. I just love you. You are special to me. You're the only mommy we have."

Me: melting heart

#3:

Jax: "We should put some poop on it. That would be funny....I'm just kidding! That would be disgusting! Ewww!"

Me: "Ummm, yeah. That's gross. Let's not do that."

And sometimes, they completely understand everything you've been trying to teach them and they have internalized it so well, they've come up with their own versions of those lessons. Category #4:

Jax, over the course of a morning snuggle: 

"If you don't listen to your parents, they will get frustrated."

"If you listen to your parents, they won't get upset."

"If you punch your parents they will put you in time out."

[That last one really got me!]

Me: "Why are we even talking about this?"

Jax: "We are just having a conversation, Mom."

...And, #5:

Other times, it's surprising how well they grasp their own feelings...even if it is after the fact.

Me, as I'm putting Jax to bed after a difficult dinner and bath: "Jax, I need you to do a better job of listening and being helpful."

Jax: "But sometimes, when I'm 3, it's just too hard for me to do that. Sometimes when I wake up, and I have to help it makes me so tired and I get frustrated. It is hard to do that and I get frustrated."

I can see this last piece is directly from all the help I have been needing from pretty much everyone around me recently. I really like to be able to do things on my own, the way I like to do them. Unfortunately, with a broken foot and limited mobility, it takes me longer to do anything and I need help with things I previously didn't need help with. Clearly, my need for help is a little more than a 3 year old can handle. Or at least a little more than he is ready to give.

Duly noted.

So I ask you...Youngling? Padawan? or Jedi?

How to Wear Star Hores Shoes...

It has to start somewhere, right?

Life...ideas...your morning.

And often, it starts in a pretty good place.
Daddy!  Mommy! I love you!

Too bad it doesn't always end up there.
But I don't wanna:
a) go to school today.
b) get dressed right now.
c) brush my teeth.

The rest of that sentence doesn't matter because the end result will be the same regardless.

Unless I change it.

And truth be told, I am a terrible changer of the end result. I often can't see past the black and white.

This is what time it is. I need you to do this so we can leave... If we don't do this, we will be late...You aren't being helpful...If we don't move faster, we will be late...These are all the things we still need to do...Please be helpful...I don't want to be late. 

In reading the words I just typed, I can see that they can build a sense of anxiety. But it's what goes on in my mind and what often comes out of my mouth as I am trying to get the two of us, el Jedi and myself, ready to leave in the mornings.

Once the "We're Late" switch has gone off, I get a sense of "Oh Shit" and start rushing around. Orders fly from my lips. I'm gathering things and piecing things together with the speed of someone who has been doing this for years upon years. And I expect anyone with me to either move out of the way, or rush along with me.

I forget that it's not as easy for someone who has only been in this world for a mere fraction of the time I have. It can't be easy being 3. Or being my son.

But it's not easy being a mom either. And a mom of a 3 year old who has his own sense of what he wants to do when he wants to do it (regardless of our day's agenda), has a tough time maintaining the calm serenity that I feel like I am supposed to have. I know, that's every kid, right?

I get so tired of dealing with the stubborn-ness and the lack of following directions that I tend to give up in the struggle. I walk away from the confrontation to go do what I need to get done and leave Jax to his own devices. Unfortunately, that doesn't achieve the desired result of getting things done. All it achieves is more whining and crying--usually from the aforementioned preschooler...but sometimes from me, too.

It is definitely not a great way to start off your morning. Especially when it began so nicely.
The thing that sucks is that it feels like these behaviors are worse when it's just Jax and me. He seems to do better for his daddy. And that hurts. I feel like I deserve the same amount of "respect" from my son as he gives his daddy. It's just different between boys and their moms. And sometimes it's not always a good sort of different.

I guess the positive is that I am learning, albeit slowly, to see where the little divergences in our path lie. The places where I can change the outcome to a more positive one. It's not easy for me to see it, but I'm getting better at it.

Case in point?
Jax: Mommy...if I be helpful this morning, can I wear my Star Hores shoes to school?
Me: Ok. But you have to be super helpful. Really, really helpful. So we will put our shoes on last to make sure you remember I need you to be helpful. Ok?
Jax: Sure! I get to wear my Star Hores shoes!

After a few almost standoffs and shutdowns, the power of the "Star Hores" shoes prevailed. I got my help (That's a LOT of helping, Mom.) and he got to wear his shoes.

Like I said. I'm learning.