It's Worth It, Right?

As frustrating as parenting a 14-month-old can be, there are many things that are just so simply amazing and beautiful about it. It truly IS worth it.

So many times before I had Jax, people would say, “Oh, It’s not easy. It’s pretty difficult in fact…(and you ALL know what’s coming next)…but it’s worth it.”

Many times, I found myself involved in my own personal debate in my mind.

--It’s worth it.

--Sure. For THEM.

--Well, it COULD be worth it. It COULD be amazing.

--But who’s to say it’s going to be worth it to ME? How do I know that’s what I will get out of it?

--Well, if that’s what everyone ELSE says…literally everyone else I’ve ever talked to, then surely that’s how it will be for me too, RIGHT?

--Do I want to even DEAL with the ‘difficult’ part’?

Inevitably, after many repetitions of this same internal debate at different times throughout the course of a few years, my answer typically came back as a fairly confident ‘No’. I wasn’t ready to gamble on the possibility that it might actually be ‘worth it’ to me. I mean, who are they to tell me? It’s just their perception.

Ha.

And then something changed. Something clicked. I don’t know what it was. I can’t say it was my ‘clock’. That had started it’s own little countdown at about 25 and had been a very strong message constantly running through both my conscious and subconscious. Pulling me. Lucky for me, it wasn’t meant to be at that time. I don’t think I could have done it. I honestly don’t think I was ready at that point. So, I turned off the clock. I took out the batteries and did my own thing for a few years.

Then I hit 32 and I think I heard an audible click.  Well, really, it was more of a tick. Followed very closely by a tock. The only difference is that this time, I gave in to the whims of Mother Nature.  I listened.

And I have a beautiful boy to show for it.

Now, I can honestly say it’s one of the hardest things I have done in my entire life thus far.

--Man, maybe I haven’t really done anything difficult.

--Hmmm….Maybe not. But I AM responsible for another life. For the successes and failures, both present and in the future. I AM responsible for his health and well-being. For his accumulation of knowledge and dispersal of ignorance.

--True. That IS difficult. But I wouldn’t call it an adversity.

--No, not adversity. I don’t have to be a martyr.  But could I say it’s difficult?

--Yes. Ok. I HAVE done—wait. I AM DOING something difficult.

So, I will now become one of the clichéd…

But, I don’t even need to say it.

toddler or 8th grader?

i have come to a realization: toddler boys are just like 8th grade boys. or maybe it's the other way around. seriously. don’t buy it? you be the judge. i now present the evidence:

• Jaxon "runs" everywhere he goes, often yelling as he does so. then, he trips over his own two feet and falls to the ground. it’s kind of funny…and really cute.
• i often see the 8th grade boys in the hallway running, running, running everywhere they go. it's their main mode of transportation. yelling at each other down the hall…and yes, frequently, they stumble as they go along. but it’s just not cute any more. still kinda funny though. maybe they're still learning to walk? maybe their feet are too big for them?

• Jaxon plays with his spit, making bubbles. he drools and watches it fall to the ground. he thinks it's funny. i think it’s gross.
• i can’t tell you how many times i have seen an 8th grade boy making spit bubbles. they even make them on their tongues and stick out their tongues so they can see the bubbles. they allow strings of drool to pass out of their mouths on the way to the ground before they slurp it back up. and when they don’t move fast enough to slurp it back, they watch it go to the ground or desk. and laugh. it’s so disgusting i have to watch in disbelief, hoping that they’ll feel my repulsion boring through their skulls, willing them to stop their reprehensible behavior. unfortunately, it hasn’t worked yet.

• Jaxon hits people and things, yelling in his husky toddler voice. almost as if to say, “I am man! I will conquer!” this is pretty funny. well, the husky toddler yell is funny. the hitting part isn’t.
• 8th grade boys are loud. and they have to hit EVERYTHING. there’s lots of punching and hand slapping that goes on between 8th grade boys. and lots of slamming of binders or books against heads and shoulders…and walls and lockers. it must be testosterone. right?

• Jaxon pulls on my spaghetti straps and "pops" them...then he laughs.
• ok, so this one i haven’t witnessed too much, but i’m sure it happens. i mean, all of the other pieces of evidence are common in both species, toddler boy and 8th grade boy, so surely this one is too?

is my cute, if slightly obnoxious, toddler boy destined to become a disgusting slob of an 8th grade boy? can it be stopped or is it inevitable? what is the path of least resistance…and most “lovable-ness”?
ahh, the questions of a new mom…

Toddling Toddlers, Batman! It's Jax 1.0!

It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago that I hoped for the day when Jax would be walking. Geez, it doesn’t seem like that long ago when he was still a baby in the belly and I was full with so many visions and hopes for the future. Visions of days when I could hold his hand and we could walk to the car…or the mailbox…or numerous other places. So much to hope for.

Picture it: June. In Texas. Sweltering heat. School’s out. I have the ENTIRE summer ahead of me. Just me and my Jaxon Jedi. There are so many things I want to do. He’s 9 months old. Crawling has happened…in fact he’s pretty damn quick.

He crawls so fast at times, it’s hard to keep him corralled. He’s gone before you realize it…giggling as you chase after him. He speeds over to the couch, pulls himself up to standing for the very first time. But does he stop there? No. That’s not enough for my little overachiever. Nope. He tries to climb the furniture. He doesn’t make it. But he certainly tries. This may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it was pretty spectacular in the eyes of his mommy. I was so proud. Seeing my little bug growing up…making developmental strides.

I take him to his 9-month check up and Doc asks if he’s crawling. “Yup!” (Proudly exclaimed by none other than moi.) Doc asks if he’s pulling up. “Yup!” (Once again, proudly exclaimed.) Cruising? “Y---ummmm…no.” (Uh-oh) Doc was a little surprised he wasn’t quite there yet—especially since his legs were so “strong” and he was such a “mover”. Hey, his words, not mine. The worry starts to set in. What have I done wrong? What did I NOT do? Why isn’t he cruising?!

And so, like any typical mom, I began to wonder if my lil Jedi was behind. Behind the other kids his age. But, unlike height and weight, they don’t really have a percentile measure for these developmental breakthroughs. Or, at least not one that I’m familiar with. So, I have no way of knowing where he really stands in this ridiculous measure of relativity. And it IS all relative.

The next 2 months FLY by. Jaxon and I enjoy our summer. We go to splash pads and we hike. We take morning walks and visit Daddy and other friends for lunch. We go see free music. We play. We play. We play. We have fun at the library. It’s the 1st summer of the rest of our lives and we’re lovin it! Oh…and he finally starts cruising. At this point, I’m so excited. This means bigger things are just around the corner. But it’s getting closer to the end of the summer, and my current mommy worry is walking. Will he be early? Will he be late? Will he have trouble? When’s he going to take that first step??

I was DAYS away from going back to work for the ‘10-‘11 school year. I was worried he would take his first steps at daycare. Someone else would see the things meant for ME to see. Luckily, Jax had other plans. Will I be here to see it?? Yes. As a matter of fact, I would.

The first step was on my watch. It was ever-so-tentative, yet bold at the same time. The look—concentrated and determined…mixed with a little fear. But just a little. His strategy? A deep breath and a jump off the cliff. Well, not literally a CLIFF, but it must’ve seemed that way to him at the time.

He raced over to the well-worn couch and pulled himself up to standing (a pattern for him by this time). He turned around and leaned back against the cushion, exuding confidence. He looked me dead in the eye and smiled. I swear he winked. (Ok, so maybe it wasn’t THAT dramatic, but it sounds pretty cool, right?) He peeled himself away from the couch. He gained his balance. Steady…steady… He let out a little giggle, took a step and fell into my lap as I sat waiting on the ottoman. I cannot describe how excited I was to have seen this moment. It was amazing. I was so proud of Jax. I kept urging him all day long to do it again so I could see it again…and get it on video. That woulda been cool.

Now, he’s a year old. And he’s walking. EVERYWHERE. He walks from the living room to my bedroom and back. He walks to the bathroom to take his bath. He’s still a little unsteady at times, falling over here or there, but it’s definitely become his preferred method of transportation. He’s proud of himself when he goes from one room to another. He feels like he’s finally able to be in control and do what the big people do. It’s his new thing. He wants to do it all the time. And Jax 1.0 is on the road to mastering it.

Does he know all the things that await him with this mastery?

• Shoes. (I can’t wait to buy him some lil Pumas…and Chucks…and Adidas!)
• The great outdoors. (Camping and hiking!!)
• Dancing. (Oh, yeah, baby. My kid’s already a lil groover. But just you WAIT till he’s really able to move those feet.)
• Running.
• Skipping.
• Jumping.
• Sports?
• Bike-riding?
• Skateboarding?

Wow. So much ahead of him. So much that I can’t even fathom. Not to mention the learning experiences of scrapes, bruises and skinned knees. And (hopefully NOT!!) broken bones. He is a risk-taker. I see this in him. He’s not afraid to take risks with language. He’s not afraid to just go for it with so many things. He’s always in that state of “Look mom, no hands!”…and he’s only 1. Before I know it, he’s going to be doing much more than I have even imagined. More than I had hoped. And he’ll be gone before I realize it…giggling as I chase after him.

some biting remarks...

Teeth. You brush them. You bare them. You show them off. You chomp and grind and grit them. You pulverize food into an unrecognizable pulp with them, just so you can fill your belly.

You use them to hold things, to open things…and yes, to bite. Most of the biting most of us do as adults, is directly related to eating or accidents. You know, you accidentally bite your tongue, your lip, the inside of your cheek.

But we’ve had our teeth for years and we’re used to them. They’re part of us. We know how to keep them clean—even if we don’t do a good job of it. For many of us, the pain of getting teeth is so far removed from our memories it’s difficult to understand what our children go through.

So, in an effort to help us understand what they are dealing with, they’ve taken to biting us. That’s right. We are under attack. From our babies.

I’ll give you an example. Jaxon is almost a year old. He officially has 3 make that 4 teeth. These are fairly new pieces of “technology” to him and he is rapidly learning how best to use them through much trial and error…mainly on my arm. What started off as slobbery, open-mouthed kisses on my arm or leg have officially turned into full-on oral assaults to my epidermis.

And I have the whelps and bruises to prove it.

The worst part is, when I tell him no, he gives a slight giggle. Like he thinks it’s funny. Great.

Oh, I know. He thinks he’s winning. But I will not be ground to a powdery dust by the technological advances of my 11 month old.

It’s two things, really. First of all, they’re new and he wants to see what they can do. I mean, it’s human nature. You get new clothes, you wanna show them off. You learn some new information, you wanna use it. Secondly, it hurts. Not only are there permanent (well, semi-permanent) foreign objects in his mouth that didn’t used to be there, but they bring with them a world of pain. How is a soon-to-be-toddler supposed to ignore that?

Back in the day, I would’ve been told to rub some whiskey on his gums. That’ll do the trick. And probably turn him into an alcoholic…just kidding. Now we would consider that a definite wrong thing to do. So instead, we give them cold, malleable things to chew on. We give them toys and try to keep them distracted. We give them homeopathic remedies and man-made medicines. All in an effort to help them through this phase in their life, hopefully giving them some relief and rest. And hopefully us, too.

So our goal is to get through it, sanity intact and free of lacerations and combat wounds. Their goal is to enter the world of the non-pureed, mashed-to-a-paste omnivore. It seems their goal is much more easily attainable than ours. Could it be that we are destined to be on the losing team? The universe can’t be that fiendish. Could it?

We start off as rebellious little arm-biters, gnawing on everything in sight. But slowly, through the years we become complacent. We have assembly-line education keeping us coloring inside the lines, societal norms and regulations streaming into our brains via technology, and the pressures of becoming a “success” in a world full of adults who’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a kid. And we suddenly find ourselves on the front lines. But on the other side.  Ironic, isn’t it? Maybe the universe is brutal, cold, and calculating. Or maybe it’s just the cycle of life.

still nursing? why,yes...yes, i am...

funny thing about this post...i actually started to write it 3 months ago. but i only got as far as the title.
gee, i must've been real dedicated to it. nope. i guess it just wasn't meant to be written at that time.

so here we are now, 3 months later and Jax is officially an 11 month ol--what??? did i just say 11 MONTHS?!?!? yep. that's right. he is. hard to believe, i know. but it's true.

so, he's 11 months old, and yes, we are still nursing. the boy eats solid food ~ 4 times a day. he has 2 teeth and i think he's working on a 3rd. but yes, we are still nursing. much to the surprise of some of those around us. 

before Jaxon was born, i had a goal in mind of nursing till he was a year, because i had been told that was what was best, and i AM the good little girl who *usually* follows the rules and advice like this. but with all the troubles we had in the beginning, i thought nursing was something that just wasn't going to happen.

then i went through a phase where i hated that i was doing it and wished i had just gone the "easier" route and done formula, because then ANYone (read: baby daddy) could get up with Jax the multiple times in one night to feed him. and this sentiment would trade off with one where i felt proud to be nursing my Jax because i knew that's what's best for him.  and i decided i was going to make it to 6 months and see what happened. 6 months...i could do that.

i vascillated between these two mindsets constantly and have been over the last few months. and it's because Jax is a mover. he doesn't sit still often, and that doesn't change when he nurses. sometimes i call it "violent", but i'm not sure if that's the right word for it. maybe "vigorous" is a better term. it's not like you can just fall asleep while he nurses. not a chance. i have had to bounce or rock him sometimes. other times i've had to hold his hand because he's hitting or scratching me or pulling on my shirt. and other times, he's pushing his feet up against the chair and making us both move. sometimes, it's ALL of these things...and that just makes it unpleasant for me.  it makes me feel trapped.

it was during one of these moments of indecisiveness that i realized that i HAD to continue to nurse him unless he WAS going to be a formula baby. i don't know, it felt like some sort of epiphany. if i stopped at 9 months, he had to switch to formula--which i didn't see him doing easily. so, it's like i no longer had an option. and once again, i felt trapped. and, to be clear, formula is not something i wanted to do. it's not that i thought it was "wrong" or like i was trying to be "snooty". it's just not something we, as parents, wanted for Jax. we wanted to give him what we considered the best possible start in life. and to us, that meant nursing.

but the best possible start in life at the expense of a mother who feels trapped? does that lead to resentment? yes. irritability? yes. fatigue? yes. all of these. and so much more that you probably can't even put in words.

but i kept at it. and, amazingly, i am still going. it's like now i can see the finish line. and if i've made it this far, why not keep on keepin on? he's healthy. we've definitely bonded. i look down at him and he looks up at me and it makes me cry. it's such a strong emotional bond between the two of us. he's totally and completely in love with me. and i am with him as well.

even though there's been this constant back and forth, i think if i had to do it all over again, i would still nurse. i would still set my goal for a year. it's possible i would still go back and forth on how i feel about the whole thing, but i would still do it. it's what's best, right?

**remind me i said this if i ever have another child. it would have to be easier the second time around, right?

tszee! da? tah. awesome, kid! ...but where's "Ma-Ma"?

Jaxon is not a man of few words. in fact, i believe at some point he is going to have so much to say there isn't going to be time enough in the day to get it all out. the kid loves to talk...what can i say? look at who his mother is.

i love to hear all his babbling, because, like any good parent, i can make sense out of a lot of it...or at least pretend to. or maybe i just delude myself into believing it all actually means what i think it means. either way, it's pretty freaking cool.

as previously mentioned in a past post, he says the name of our cat, Cheetara. well, he actually calls her "Chee"...though in truth, whereas before it was kind of a very breathy "Khee", now it sounds more like "Tszee". the minute he sees her, he gets super excited, reaches towards her (no matter how far away she is) and says, "Tszee!!" that's pretty awesome. the fact that he learned her name so early and has continually been refining the sound that he uses for her name. guess he's gonna be an animal-lover. that makes me happy.

recently, he has starting pointing to things and saying, "Da?" (it's a very short 'a' sound)...didn't take long for us to figure out he was asking, "What's that?" how amazing and cute is that?!?

so of course, we humor him and tell him the names of things. it's like he has figured out that everything has a name and he wants to call them their correct names--at least as correct as he can get it. it cracks me up (and in some ways slightly annoys me because of the constant repetition...sad, but true). he just wants to learn and i think that's a great skill to have in this world. curiosity. way to go, my boy. way to go.

one of the recent additions to his vocabulary is the word, "tah".  isn't that awesome?!?! not sure what it's supposed to mean?

here's how the acquisition of this new word happened---or at least a similar re-enactment:

 Jax: (pointing to the fan) Da?
Daddy: fan. fan.
Jax: Fa (he tends to leave off the 'n')
Daddy: good! that's the fan!
Jax (pointing to a metal star hanging from the ceiling) da?
Daddy: star. that's a star.
Jax: Tah.
Daddy: (slightly incredulously...and pretty damn proud, i would think) yes...that's right! it's a star!

now, i know, i know...this could easily have been a fluke. but i showed him some other stars we had around our house, told him they were stars, and there was that word, "Tah" again. and now, you can ask him where the star is and he will look at it and continues to use the word. awesome. my baby is freakin cool.  i am so happy that he is learning all of these cool words and that he wants to learn them.

and yes, i repeat things to him over and over again to get him to hear the sounds and make his own attempt at them. you know, like: "Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma." over and over again. but, alas...unless he's in his crib screaming and crying for me to come in there and pick him up, i do NOT hear Ma-Ma.or even a really close approximation of it. and that makes me kinda sad. i mean he says the cat's name...what about me?

this is how it usually goes:

me: Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma.
Jax: Da-Da!
me: no, silly... Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma.
Jax:  Da-Da-Da-Dee!
(well, at least he's got the number of syllables right...right?)
me: Ma-Ma. Ma-Ma. that's MY name. i'm not Da-Da.
Jax: Da-Da-Da-Dee!! (as he giggles and acts all cute and flirty)

so, of course, after this exchange multiple times, i'm thinking this kid is playin me. he KNOWS who "Da-Da" is and he knows who "Ma-Ma" is... if you ask him, "Where's Mommy?" he looks around until he sees me and then he gets all excited. when he hears the jingling of his daddy's keys, he looks around and says "Da-Da-Da-Dee!" or something similar. so it's not like he doesn't know. he does. he just doesn't say it. even when his daddy points to me and says, "Who's that?" Jax will either smile, turn and bury his head into his daddy's shoulder, or he'll look at something else and call that by it's name. ugh. maybe he just can't say it yet?

really, though? i have heard and seen him make the 'm' sound...so i know the capability is there. he's trying all sorts of other, more difficult sounds. but not my name. this is me when he says the name of something or someone else instead of mine: sadface.

i know it'll come. but it might be after he finally gets Chee's name right. or maybe after he says "TV"--yeah, how much would that suck? but it'll come. eventually. and then, i'm going to hear it for ev-er-y-thing. and it's gonna be yelled at me, whined to me, cried to me, and exclaimed to me. and then, i'm going to have to remind myself of how much i wanted to hear it back when he was 10 months old. 

and i'm going to love it.

It's "amole"!

el Jedi (one of the slew of nicknames we call our lil man) is becoming quite the connoisseur of solid foods these days. and with that comes a serving of finicky with a side of attitude.

how is a new mom to make sure her bouncing baby boy gets the right nutrients he needs when he outright refuses to eat certain foods? it's called a little creativity in the kitchen (though i'm sure some would call it trickery or the like).

first, you gotta to know what the man likes. what would that be,  you ask? bananas, sweet potato, and avocado.  all good stuff in my book. and how do i know he prefers these? well, it could be the fact that at 9 1/2 months old he outright asks for banana ("nananana!")--cute, i know. and when he eats the others he makes the "mmmm-mmmm" sound as he eats. oh, and he bangs on the tray for more.

second, you've gotta figure out what he doesn't like--that's not hard to tell at all...just wait for the nose wrinkle of disgust...and then the food so lovingly prepared and delicately spooned into his mouth will come sliding back out and down the chin onto the bib. lovely. 

third, you've gotta try to figure out what combinations of "yummy", acceptable food will work to hide the "yucky" completely detestable food. oh...and you've gotta be willing to try it yourself. just in case.

the only problem is that the intolerable food list far outweighs the acceptable food list. and, out of the 3 yummy foods, there's really only one that seems to be great as a "hide-all" mix-in.  that's avocado. i mean, am i wrong or does the idea of banana and broccoli just sound too appalling? guacamole to the rescue. well, really just the avocado.

• 1st up to the plate was broccoli. it definitely did NOT pass the Jax test. honestly, my first thought was, "Great. I made all that broccoli. What the hell am I going to do with it now? There's no way I'm eating pureed broccoli!" (don't you love the irony, here?)
• introducing broccomole! he eats it every time. well, most times. as long as the taste of broccoli is appropriately masked by the avocado. i'd say the mixture's about 1/2 and 1/2.  

• 2nd up to bat, carrot. i was really hoping the little bug would like carrot. i mean, i LOVE carrot. seriously. it's one of my all time favs (i know--it's a vegetable, not a song or a band or anything). but, alas...it was not meant to be.
• carrotamole... i'm still not sold on the name, though.  this one was a little tougher to get past the lil man. i honestly can't see that the taste of carrot is stronger than that of broccoli. i really think the problem was the texture. so this one had to be mixed REALLY well. in fact, it seems it would better just to puree the two together than to mix it in later. it's still about 1/2 carrot and 1/2 avocado--though sometimes it's more like 3/4 avocado. what can i say? he's become a bit picky lately.

• 3rd, zucchini. i had already figured out the summer squash was not to the Jedi's taste and had mixed that in with sweet potato to much success. but i didn't think zucchini would work the same way. maybe it was the coloring. i don't know. 
• zucchinamole was born. it's definitely not his favorite, and i use it pretty sparingly. i'm lucky if i can get him to eat the whole serving. but, that's more than he ate when it was just zucchini.

• 4th, kale. oh kale, you are a tricky one...even for me. i find the taste of raw kale to be very bitter. and the taste of cooked kale? well, it's still a little bitter (all greens are, really...to me at least) but it's not as bad. of course, i like mine with a little soy sauce, onions, garlic and maybe some red pepper and sesame seeds. hey, they're good for you, right? but Jax can't eat all that stuff yet, so he gets his plain.
• kaleamole.  it's 1/2 and 1/2 on this one too. i honestly didn't even start with the kale plain and by itself. i just knew i was gonna have to "amole" it up. he seems to kinda dig this mixture. i tried it myself and i kind of like it to. might have to start eating my own kale this way. maybe.

• 5th? i'm not sure yet. we tried beets today. from the moment it hit his tongue, i knew they were a resounding "No". it was the trifecta. i got the infamous nose wrinkle and he gagged. and then it came dribbling down the chin. great. somehow, though i just don't think "beetamole" is going to become my next culinary creation.  maybe sweet beets or beet potato. or beetanana?

i don't know. i'll get back to you.

newest developments in the life of a Jedi

8 months and counting. the boy continues to grow and learn. it's amazing how much he has changed in his short life span. i look back at pictures taken over the course of these last 8 months and it's mind-boggling. it truly is.

• as previously mentioned, he gives kisses these days. and they are super sweet! sometimes they're slobbery, but often, they are not and just the sweetest thing in the world.
• he's on the move! Jaxon is now crawling--although it's more of an army crawl. he is fast and constantly moving!
• pulling himself up. he uses all kinds of things to pull up and stand:
• his exersaucer
• Mommy or Daddy (or anyone else who's around)
• the wobbly ol' coffee table
• anything he can "climb" on that will enable him to stand

•  the "fussy" voice. he definitely lets you know when he doesn't like something--VERY LOUDLY. it's like he's yelling "HEY!"at you. and the face he makes with it is freaking hilarious! it's like he is making his voice as deep as he can, but since he's only a baby, it just ends up sounding cute.
• finger foods
• for a while we've been trying to let him use his fingers to grab food and feed himself. he's getting pretty good at it too, although kiwi can be troublesome at times.
• he gets around the difficulties with the slippery foods by either:
• scooting it to the edge of the tray, putting his mouth right there and pushing it into his mouth. very ingenious!
• grabbing it as best as he can with one hand and using the other hand to help hold it in place on the way to his mouth. smart baby!
• "talking"
• Jax is definitely a conversationalist. he is always babbling away. he has certain sounds he makes for certain things. examples:
• "khee"--referring to our cat, Chee. it's a very "breathy" sound. and he looks for her, "points" to her, smiles and says "khee". awesome. where's the "ma-ma" and "da-da"?
• "bah"--referring to food or a bottle or nursing. 
• "d-d-d-d-d-"--anytime he's happily playing he uses this sound over and over again. 
• "ma! ma!"--when he's upset, he yells/cries this. definitely sounds like he's calling to me. 
• and he did, the other day, pat Josh on the chest and say "da-da". awesome!

~TIME~

TIME
slipping...
running...
fading...
ticking...
AWAY.


A drop in the bucket.
eons… AND… eons…

you grow up… and apart

things that were unattainable two weeks ago are suddenly within your reach—
if…
you…
can…
just…
GET there. (SUCCESS!)

Waiting for you to do… so much.
I can’t wait—but I can’t freeze the time either.
(time stops for no… mother)

Older (and wiser?)
Older
Older, I get
You get…older, too
Right now we are the center of each others’ worlds… but as time runs out…

Where will you run?

the old people were right....

c'est la vie, say the old folks...

and dangit they're right. time flies when you're:
sleep-deprived.
working full time.
engrossed in trying to be super mommy.
and...
in love.

i have 2 of the most wonderful men on the planet. and i love both of them to death. it's amazing how crazy things have become. how difficult this whole "parenting thing" is. and how much i love it. i miss so much about how our lives used to be, but i am soooo in love with my little family unit. "El Jedi" is so amazing. he hasn't been an "easy" child from the get-go. in fact, i would categorize him as a "high-needs child" (there's a book...trust me on this). but he has such PERSONALITY. really he does.

case in point:

1) he loves social settings.

we took him to Eeyore's Birthday (a free freakfest in the park here in the ATX). Eeyore's is a tradition--we go every year. i dress up every year (as does everyone else). there's much fun to be had by all...and lots of it is just because you're people watching. well, Jax fits right in.
the entire day before we actually got there, he was "Mr. Fussy". nothing was making him happy. we put him in the car and he talks the whole way there. it was as if he knew he was about to experience a good ol' hippie time! walking into the park, he was just looking around at everyone and every thing, babbling to himself. we set up a blanket and he played and talked and giggled...watching people.
i think he was most amazed with the people who were hooping. i mean don't we all just watch hoopers anyway?

then we took him to see a free Bob Schneider show. he was jumping (well, with some mommy and daddy help), dancing and singing. just hammin it up. and once again, he was into watching the people. making eye contact with people that walked by...especially the ladies. my boy LOVES the ladies! and i think he likes music, too.

i love seeing my lil guy enjoying social settings like these. it makes me feel good about the way things are going to turn out. making me feel like i CAN continue to do the things i love and include him in them.




one of the things i have missed the most since Jax has been around is the music. i miss seeing shows and dancing. obviously, i won't be taking him to any late night shows any time soon, but i feel like if i can find the right daytime events, he's gonna have a great time...we all will.

2)

he is proud of his successes. it is sooo cute. he's been able to stand (with help, of course) for quite a while now. lately he's begun holding out his hands to grab mine or Daddy's and he pulls himself up to standing. when he does it, he makes himself as tall as he can and looks around and smiles as if to say, "Look what I did!" and then he does a little baby dance. cute!

3)

he has recently begun giving kisses. it really started about 2 months ago. he would put his open mouth onto someone's cheek and just look at them. that was his kiss. pretty slobbery, but very sweet and cute. then, just this last week, he started leaning in to kiss me. his mouth closed, he would look at my mouth and lean in towards it, plant his lips onto mine, then pull away. he would repeat this 5 or 6 times and smile.
like i said, i'm in love.
then, just yesterday, when we looked in the mirror to say "hi" to our reflections, he leaned in and kissed himself. my baby is narcissistic. but at least he's got some major personality!!

I LOVE MY JAXON!

6 months...where does the time go?

it doesn't seem like it was that long ago that my Jax was a baby in the belly. and now he's a little over 6 months.
so much has happened in the little lifespan of his. it's hard to believe we've come this far...
and lived to tell about it! haha

all the developmental "milestones" (as they say) are just amazing--each and every time he does something new, my heart smiles. and his happy squeal is one of the best sounds in the whole world.

as different as my life is these days, and as much as i miss things about the times before, i am SOOO immensely glad i have a little Jedi in my life. true--very little of what we have experienced with him has been easy. he is truly a "high-needs" baby. (those of you that say they all are, read up on it...my baby is the DEFINITION of it!) but he is an amazing gift for both Josh and me. he is the most important thing in the world to us both and i can't imagine not having him.
i love my Jax and i know he loves me too.

guilt

growing up, you think you understand guilt.
there are things you do that you know you shouldn't
you tell a lie to save yourself a few times
you forget to do your chores or your homework
you disappoint your parents
you feel guilt.

you get a little older and you feel guilt and think you understand it a bit more--but this time, it's not because of an interaction with others, it's from not meeting your own expectations.
guilt for drinking too much and acting a fool
guilt for eating what you know you shouldn't
guilt for not working out like you had planned to do
you feel guilt.

but, you never truly understand guilt until you are a parent. now, i couldn't have said this, or understood it even, until now. and it's not anyone telling me i should do things differently or anyone "harping" on me, being disappointed in me and my actions or nonactions.
Jaxon doesn't have a way to tell me i should feel guilty, but i do.

Guilt for working full time and not being there day in and day out for him
Guilt for getting frustrated when he wakes me up in the middle of the night
Guilt for wanting to have something in my life that doesn't involve him, that's my
own thing (yoga, pilates, dance)
Guilt for feeling resentful that i don't get to do the things i want
Guilt for everything that i feel i'm not doing right or feeling ignorant about


there is just no way to know how you will react to things and no way to know how you will feel about things until you are in the situation. and you just have to learn to work through it.
the cycle continues...
wow. a learning experience...
what else do i say?

Mommy Vignettes--will be adding more!

1.The plan was natural—all natural. No need for a doctor, or interventions, or “drugs”.
2 AM and it begins.
5:45 AM at the birthing center—full of hope, determination and nervous energy. Everything looks good.
12 hours later…things just aren’t working. Time for a transfer…is hope lost? 6AM—tears flow from two different faces. A decision is made. One that will change everything, but circumstances necessitate. A husband supports his laboring wife through it all.
6:41 AM the cries of a newborn fill the surgery room. Tears flow again, but of joy this time.
When will this end?

2.A dark hospital room, lit only by faint fluorescent seeping through the crack under the bathroom door. A new mother lies in bed, a light sleep allowing her minimal rest for the task awaiting her. A newborn boy snuggled, wrapped under the sheet, nuzzles the neck of his mother, immediately understanding and accepting of her protective touch.
When will this end?

3.Emergency status--that was the diagnosis. Already a pound lost and less than a week old. Refusal to nurse. Crying, crying, crying. The tears stream down three different faces. A new father feeds by syringe. The babe has to have formula, a less than ideal start to this new life.
When will this end?

Nursing:
12 AM
2 AM
4 AM
6 AM
8 AM
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?

4.Sitting all alone. Her husband sleeps a restless slumber, she groggily feeds their child. Resentment builds against the sleeping world. Hoping for some return to normalcy. Feeling alone and smothered.
When will this end?

5.Crying. Diaper change. Crying. Feeding. Crying. What does he need?? Feeling helpless to make it better. Ignorance is an unpleasant taste in her mouth. A trial by fire.
When will this end?

6.Snuggling in the crook of her neck, arms limp at his sides. Breathing in the scent of his mother as he giggles quietly in his sleep, dreaming of who knows what. Breath so sweet, she smiles, in love.
When will this end?

7.A routine: bath, lotion, stories, nursing…he falls asleep on her shoulder. Yay! The mother feels victorious as she sneaks out of the room, prepared to conquer many a line from her “To-Do” list. The feeling of triumph is quickly replaced by despair as cries pierce the air minutes later. The soothing: pat-pat-pat, rock-rock-rock, bounce-bounce-bounce, shh-shh-shh begins…and continues on…
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?

troubles in La-La Land....

poor lil baby Jax. he is NOT a fan of sleeping...or at least not of FALLING asleep. but his mommy and daddy sure are! it is at this time in his life that we are working with a sleep schedule and a bedtime routine. but damn is it unpleasant!

i feel like i'm doing something wrong because it takes anywhere from 1-3+ hours to get the guy "officially" asleep for the night. that seems abnormal. and when he finally does sleep, it's after much soothing on our parts and it seems he's just crashing b/c he's so tired. and then the whole next day he's just off.

we start sometime b/t 5 and 5:30 with a bath/lotion, stories (sometimes) and nursing. then it's rocking in the glider, patting him on the back and the constant "shhhh-shhhh-shhhh". gradually he falls asleep after much twitching and "groaning" (although it is soooo cute!). i continue to pat the back and rock, but take out the "shhh" and pat lighter and lighter until all i'm doing is rocking. just when i think we're good to go, he turns his face back and forth on my shoulder, whimpers and starts his fussing again.

back to the soothing routine of "rock, pat, shhhh....rock, pat shhhh" over and over again. back to sleep he goes, with some protesting along the way. once again i get him to a point where it seems safe and i slowly get up from the glider and make my way to the crib. if i'm lucky, i can get him into the crib and sneak away to eat dinner. oftentimes i'm not lucky and the minute i begin to put him into the crib, or once i've got him in the crib, he starts to cry and wakes up.

soothe.
soothe.
soothe.

try again. this time will i eat my dinner? will i get to spend time with my baby daddy? should i start on the costume or choreography i need to get to? what about that book i have to read for school? maybe i should just go to sleep.

soothe.
soothe.
soothe.

sometimes it repeats over and over again for a few hours until i just give up and take him into the bed with me and we both go to sleep.
sometimes he goes to sleep and wakes up 30 minutes later, then i soothe him back to sleep.

this can't be normal...or can it?

now, i have to say, once he's down, he's out for a few hours...4 if we're lucky. then he's in the bed with me, waking about every 2 hours or so. sometimes to nurse, others because of some other reason--

he's hot...
he want's to stretch out...
he wants to snuggle...
he's wet...
he's gassy...

there are so many variables when it comes to the continuity of his sleep--and mine.

i get so annoyed when i have to keep soothing him over and over again just to get him to go to sleep. i want him to have healthy sleep habits, but i feel like it's such a struggle and i get so frustrated with it...with him. i want to have the opportunity to do what i want to do. i want to feel some freedom, not like i'm tied down and imprisoned in the nursery, destined to spend eternity in the glider while the rest of the world moves on without me. and then i get angry with myself for getting upset with him and for feeling so selfish. he's a baby for crying out loud---what does he know? this is how he is...he can't help it. we are his whole world right now.

and then i think i need to just accept it for what it is and learn to work with it. deal with it. he'll only be in this stage for a short period of time. he WANTS to snuggle with me and sleep on my chest. he won't want to do that in a short time. before i know it, he'll be off on his own--married, a child of his own, forgetting to call his mother.

geez, i'm getting ahead of myself. but it does help, in some ways to think of the impending future. it allows me to see the other side of this struggle and to appreciate the good parts of it. to see it for the positive.

and i just can't help it--i love, love, love that little boy snuggled up in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent, grabbing hold of my shirt, drooling on my shoulder....and i don't want him to grow up too fast.

so, i'll deal with the struggle for sleep, knowing that in no time at all, he'll be sleeping the days away and i'll be fighting to get him up in the morning.