This is 4...

So. Four years old.

So.
Handsome.
Adorable.
Inquisitive.
Energetic.
Talkative.
Knowledgeable.
Moody.

Let's talk about that last one, there. Moody. I swear, this kid's mood swings can rival a pregnant mommy school teacher right before state testing. Who's hungry. And sleep-deprived.

One minute, he's sweet and lovable. Laughing and playing along nicely with others. The next, everyone's a "meanie!" and you "better stop it" before he punches you with his fist and growls at you. Or stomps off to some other spot in the house after throwing whatever he was working on. Then, he moves right into crying about how things are "too hard" and nobody "helps him".

I swear, it's enough to make me turn into Mr. Hyde or some similar facsimile thereof. Mrs. Hyde--the Insane Mommy. I read somewhere that we all have a part to play in the little dramas that affect us. You know, "What was my role in creating this situation?"

Well, I know good and well what my role was in creating the "Jaxuation", but in each of the situations where he flies off the handle, it is not always easy for me to see my role. I need to get better at catching myself in the moment so I can see where the switch is flipped--though, truth be told, I'm not always involved in these moody Jax moments.

Something to work on this year...and all the years to come, I guess.

For now, here's a little something I like to call "a perfect representation of life with a 4yo":

Stewie Griffin pesters his mamma

Tapping in or simply synthesis?

I can't tell you how many times since Jax has been born that he does or says something that throws us for a loop.

As he gets older, his thoughts and sayings tend to be more well-developed and thought-out theories on various things:

• why the plants grow the way they do
• whether that tiny gecko on the carpet in the middle of the hallway is simply hurt or scared
• why that tiny gecko is in our house
  
  

Everything has a reason for being or doing and Jax often knows, or thinks he knows, the answer. Often times he's right. A lot of times he's not. Sometimes, he is just plain cute.

Take, for example, this little gem from his birthday morning:

(Looking at his feet)-"Mom, I can look at my feet and tell that I'm 4 today. They look 4."

To me, this seemed a fairly normal, innocuous preschooler musing. Quite adorable, for sure.

But, when 5 minutes later, I was hearing his musings over reincarnation, I was, understandably, picking pieces of grey matter out of my hair:

(With the most serious face I have seen on this little jokester in a while): "Mom, when people die, their spirit leaves their body and joins up with all the other spirits-the people and the animals-and it becomes the force. If people come back alive with their spirit, it's with different bones that are growed together."

My first thought: "What? Did he just say that?"

My second thought: "We read too much Star Wars."

My third thought: "Did he really just say that? Wow. Can there BE too much Star Wars? I love this kid. Dang. I gotta post this on Facebook!" (haha!)

In all seriousness though, when I hear these types of comments or have these types of conversations with him, it's hard for me to fathom where he is going to be later on his journey. If he is already contemplating life and having mini epiphanies at the ripe old age of 4...man. He's got so much to teach us!

And yes, I share these Jaxisms and quotes from him as a partial brag. It's true. I do want some praise from the masses on the interwebs telling me that my kid is awesome. But honestly, in a lot of ways, I really just want feedback. I want to know how to foster this sense of...whatever it is so that he doesn't lose it. I want to know how far is too far to push him? What is he really capable of? Am I just biased, or is he really that amazing?

Who am I kidding? Of course he's amazing. He's my kid. But, you know what I mean...how do I help him be him without expecting too much?

guilt

growing up, you think you understand guilt.
there are things you do that you know you shouldn't
you tell a lie to save yourself a few times
you forget to do your chores or your homework
you disappoint your parents
you feel guilt.

you get a little older and you feel guilt and think you understand it a bit more--but this time, it's not because of an interaction with others, it's from not meeting your own expectations.
guilt for drinking too much and acting a fool
guilt for eating what you know you shouldn't
guilt for not working out like you had planned to do
you feel guilt.

but, you never truly understand guilt until you are a parent. now, i couldn't have said this, or understood it even, until now. and it's not anyone telling me i should do things differently or anyone "harping" on me, being disappointed in me and my actions or nonactions.
Jaxon doesn't have a way to tell me i should feel guilty, but i do.

Guilt for working full time and not being there day in and day out for him
Guilt for getting frustrated when he wakes me up in the middle of the night
Guilt for wanting to have something in my life that doesn't involve him, that's my
own thing (yoga, pilates, dance)
Guilt for feeling resentful that i don't get to do the things i want
Guilt for everything that i feel i'm not doing right or feeling ignorant about


there is just no way to know how you will react to things and no way to know how you will feel about things until you are in the situation. and you just have to learn to work through it.
the cycle continues...
wow. a learning experience...
what else do i say?