Is Santa the "Right" Thing to Do? A Nod to Shakespeare...

As a parent, it frequently happens that you question a lot of things:

• societal norms
• they way you were raised
• the way you weren't raised
• the way others are being raised or raising their own
• a plethora of other ideals, mainstream and not-so-mainstream

One of these that comes up is the cultural myth of Santa Claus. In deciding to follow the tradition of Santa, many things have to be taken into consideration-- one of the biggest being the fact that you have to consistently maintain a complex fabrication while at the same time being flexible as your fabrication butts up against those of the rest of the families with which your child comes into contact.

In pondering this idea, I made an allusion to Shakespeare saying to myself, "To Santa, or Not to Santa...", which then sparked many an image in my mind:

• Negative images
• greed
• Black Friday stampedes
• last-minute stressful shopping
• being unhappy with what you get
• Positive images
• smiling faces
• the joy of giving
• the excitement of Christmas morning
• being happy because you have family time
• hot chocolate and movie time snuggles

And so, I have taken the famous "To Be or Not to Be...." soliloquy from Shakespeare's Hamlet and changed some of the words to fit my own thoughts.  I did keep quite a few of his words and tried to keep his "word vibe" when possible.This was challenging and quite fun at the same time.

I realize this version sounds kind of negative when pondering the idea of including Santa as part of a child's life growing up, and while that wasn't my intent, it's how it turned out. That being said, I plan to attempt the converse of this sentiment in the near future.

Enjoy!

To Santa, or not to Santa, that is the question—

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The whines and cries of outrageous children,

Or to take arms against thine own offspring,

And by opposing, end them?

They beg, they plead—

Want more! But buy no gift to say we end

The heart-ache, and the thousand greedy wants

That children now “need”?

'Tis a realization: children, they want more.

They want, you give, you give, and then they need;

Aye, there's the thing, for in that need and wanting, Santa Claus.

Where we have spent our money this time of year

Must give us pause. There's the reason

That makes a family of so long life:

For who would bear the whims and pouts of time,

The father’s wrong, the mother’s contumely,

The pangs of day to day, a life’s delay,

The insolence of youth, and the scorn

That patient virtue of the unworthy takes,

When we ourselves might change this future course

and say ‘No Santa’?

But who would bear this,

To fight and push under a weary life,

But that the dread of something, after bought,

Might break or be forgotten?

As Santa,

No parent returns, empty in hand,

But makes us rather bear those ills we have,

Of this ought to buy when we have no need

Thus the culture does make cowards of us all:

You want, I buy, you plead, I give: when does it stop?

I’m sicklied o'er, with the pale cast of thought,

This “Santa” engineers this feeling in me

In this regard my feelings turn awry

I loathe my indecision. Mind you now,

My spry young son. Thus, in all your futures

Remember my love, not Santa.

Bye Bye, Nap Time

The end is nigh.

The end of naps, I mean. I knew this day was coming, and yet, I am loath to see it go. We fought so hard to make it part of his routine. A regular nap schedule for Jax was very important in the attainment of a certain level of sanity. Not just mine, either.

In Jaxon's mind, he doesn't need naps. But the increasing argumentativeness that is evident as the day wears on tells a different story. This kid still needs naps. And after dealing with the intensity of a Jedi all morning, Mom and Dad usually need a nap too.

It's become such a rare thing that it has officially been re-dubbed "rest time". I'm cool with a rest time, even when he doesn't rest. Because he knows it's a quiet time. And as he gets older, Jax is able to spend more and more time playing on his own. It's just not truly a "rest", because there's this constant interrupting whisper of, "Mom...can I get up now? Is it time yet?" And, "Mom...can I get my Lego's out and play? I'll be quiet..."

He just has such a bad case of FOMO. You know, fear of missing out. I don't know what he thinks he's missing out on. When he should be napping, I'm usually hoping for a nap as well. Or just some quiet time to myself with a book.

Honestly, he is usually pretty quiet for a while. But the rest of the day is sooooo much nicer when he does actually rest.

A day without a nap has more:

• whining
• yelling--by him! No, really...
• arguments
• slammed doors--by me, not him. Just kiddin. He's the door-slammer in this house!

A day without a nap has less:

• cooperation in play time
• willingness to help out
• good times had by all

But a day with a nap? It's a beautiful thing. It's like all is right in the world for that 1.5 hours. And when that little monkey wakes up, he's so sweet and fun for the rest of the evening. Life's grand again in the Kane household. 

I'm not going to force him to continue naps. I'll keep instituting a quiet "rest time", at least for a while. Eventually, I know that will have to go as well. Today is one of the rare occasions in the last few months where he actually climbed into his bed and fell asleep. I'm loving this quiet solitude. And for now, I'm going to revel in it for as long as I can. 

Jaxism...

Upon having my Lego knight knocked off my horse, I claimed I was second winner. Jax said HE was second winner. I said he was first winner and I was second. He said he was both. So...what does that make me?

Addicted

Mornings. You either love them or you hate them. I don't enjoy waking up early. Never have…except on Christmas morning or my birthday when I was younger. And I still do not relish the idea of getting up early. But the possibility of “hating” it hinges on the whims of another.

Another, who is…short in stature, and often short in patience as well. Another, whose mood can change at the drop of a hat…the flick of a switch…or the utterance of a phrase as simple as, “No. Today is a school day. We can’t watch Sesame Street and snuggle.”

It’s true. Jaxon is addicted.

To snuggling.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was simply a matter of a few minutes taken out of our morning to snuggle and say I love you, now let’s get dressed. Or, if it was just a few minutes to explain why today is a weekday, NOT a weekend. And that no, we can’t get all snuggly, but yes we will on Saturday. Here’s a big hug, now let’s get ready. 

But, of course, that’s not how it usually goes. Instead, what we get is one of two possible options: 1) almost meltdown or 2) complete meltdown. Neither of these options results in a happy, ready-to-face-the-morning-and-middle-schoolers Mommy.

Take Thursday morning—a perfect example of the complete meltdown, Jaxon-style.

Jax: (crying, whiney, waking up) I waaaaant Mommmmeeeeeeee!

Me: (walking in, sitting in the chair, waking up) Good morning Jaxon. How are you?

Jax: (scrambling out of bed to give me a “snuggle hug”, still whiney) I good. I love you, Mommy. We not going to school today?

Me: I love you too, sweetie. No. We’re going to school today. Today is a school day. It’s Thursday.

Jax: (whiney voice gets whinier) I don’t want go to school. I want stay here. (starts crying)

Me: Well, sweetie, Mommy has to go to work today and it’s a school day for you. You like school. You have fun there.

Jax: (crying, fussing) NO! I don’t want go to school. I want stay here.

Things escalate a little here, but we decide we can make our way to the kitchen to get a smoothie (part of the morning routine). Things seem to be better. Smoothie is mixed, vitamins given. All seems forgiven.

Jax: (whiney) I want watch Sesame Street. I want snuggle you. On couch.

Me: Jax, we can’t watch Sesame Street today. Today is Thursday. We only watch Sesame Street on Saturday or Sunday. Not today.

Jax: (grumpy, whiney) But I want to.

Me: We can’t today, Jax. Today is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday. Then comes Saturday. THEN, on Saturday, we can watch it. [Notice…I avoid mentioning the snuggle, because I don’t want to set him off again.]

Jax: (whiney, crying) I want snuggle you. [But, there it is.]

Me: Sweetie, we have to get ready now. I can give you some snuggle hugs, but we can’t snuggle on the couch. [Don’t judge me here…snuggling means at least 20 minutes that we just don’t have in the mornings. Sad, but true.]

Jax: (crying)

Me: You can snuggle Daddy in the bed while I get dressed. Ok?

Jax: (sits on the floor) NO!

Me: C’mon, Jax. It’s ok. You love to snuggle Daddy in the nice, warm bed.

Jax: NO!

Me: Ok…Well, I’m going to get ready. You can come with me and snuggle Daddy if you want. Or you can stay here. It’s your choice.

Slight escalation here, but he decides to come to the bedroom to snuggle while I get ready. Unfortunately, when we’ve already had more than one almost-meltdown, everything he tries to do becomes problematic. He suddenly “can’t” do things. He won’t even try and starts fussing and crying about every little thing. Like suddenly not being able to climb into the bed. Or, like going to the bathroom to potty.

He tells me he needs to go potty, but for whatever reason, refuses to go. I walk him in there, but now he won’t go. Ok, fine. Let him be stubborn. I go get his clothes.

Me: (walking back into the bathroom) JAX!!?? What are you doing?

Jax: hmmmff (he has just peed on the floor…purposefully)

Me: Oh, Jax…why did you do that? You know how to use the potty. Now we have to clean that up.

Jax: No! I not!

Me: Yes, you are. You made the mess, you clean it up. (I walk out before I get angrier)

     I am baffled. Now Daddy’s awake and involved, Jax is crying, and I’m grumpy. Help! I’ve created a monster. A snuggle monster, to be exact.  Is this what it comes down to these days? You can’t SNUGGLE me so the end result is peeing on the floor, crying, and yelling?? Really? Wow. Oh, happy morning!

 

A meltdown is not what you picture when you’re pregnant, feeling little baby kicks like the flutter of wings inside your belly. It’s not what you envision as you smell that “baby smell” on the top of your newborn’s head as he sleeps in your arms. And it’s not what you think of while you’re kissing your two-year-old and singing together before bed.

But it happened. Looking back on it, I think, “What could I have done differently to have had a different result?” The obvious answer seems to be to have snuggled on the couch. It shouldn’t come as surprise that snuggling on school mornings does not, in fact, work. At least, not in whole. It does seem to prevent COMPLETE meltdowns, but occasionally results in almost or partial meltdowns. This kid is a true addict.  You take away his morning snuggle time and he goes primal.

So, is it surprising that the morning ended positively? After the meltdown and subsequent floor cleaning, as Jax was getting dressed, he looked at me and said, “I listening to you now, Mommy. I making good choices now. You are happy?”

As I told him I wasn’t quite “happy” yet but I was working on it, I saw the flicker of a meltdown begin to come back into the sweet, innocent features. I prepared myself for the worst. He opened his mouth and said, “I making good choices now. You are happy, Mommy?”

These are loaded words. I realize that Jaxon is not simply asking if I am truly happy at that given moment. He is asking if HE has MADE ME happy. In the brief instant before I responded, I replayed the situation that just happened…I thought of the potential for further disruptions to my morning…and my mood. I knew what I had to do. I hugged him and said, “Yes, Jaxon. I am happy now.”

Curious George...er, I mean, Jax

Reading aloud from a Curious George book, usually starts off like this: "This is ________. He was a good little ________, and always very ________. "

Jaxon supplies the words, "George," "monkey," and "curious" in the correct spots. Can you tell it's a favorite set of stories for him?

I think Jax really connects with George. I mean, look at all the similarities:

• They're about the same height. 
• They both have a great sense of humor.
• They both make monkey sounds.
• They both love bananas.

It's definitely easy to confuse the two. Luckily for me, I have a Jaxon Jedi and not a Curious George. I think if Jax got into nearly all the trouble George gets into, we'd have some temper tantrums...by me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing to be curious. Curiosity has lead to so many great advances throughout history--remember the lightbulb? Sliced bread? The wheel? Yeah...those were good inventions. 

Questioning our lives, our purpose, our solutions...it's important to our future to keep questioning and learn to really THINK.

 

But lately, Jaxon has begun asking the "Dreaded Why?" questions. I knew it was coming eventually but I don't think I was prepared for it at all. And when it's a constant barrage of "why?" it no longer seems so important and groundbreaking. It seems more....exasperating.

But it all started out so simply...

• (pointing): "Dat?" (translation: "What's that?")
• (pointing): "Whassis?" (translation: "What's this?")
•  (pointing): "Whasinere?" (translation: "What's in there?")

Those were cute ways for Jax to find out more about the world around him. I liked this phase of Jaxon-ness. It was super cute to hear him asking questions because I knew the reason was to learn. And what parent (especially a teacher, at that!) doesn't want her child to be excited about learning and seeking out new knowledge? Then, slowly the cute little mispronunciation became, more clearly, the correct pronunciation. He started asking more and more questions about various things around him and Jaxon's knowledge attainment soared.

But then--then came "WHY?".  

I was ok with "why?" at first because it was followed by other words to make a complete question. For instance: "Mommy, why that go there?" To which I would smile and respond appropriately, satisfied that my child's curiosity had been satiated for that specific instant. His mind, expanded. His vocabulary, improved. His mommy, happy. And life was good.

But "why?" has suddenly (and I mean literally, overnight) morphed into an incessant stream of "why?" that ends in a response akin to the commonly known phrase, "Because I said so." 

It goes a little something like this:

Jax: Mommy, why it have rain on ground?

Me: Because it rained today.
Jax: Why?

Me: Because the clouds had water in them.

Jax: Why?

Me: Ummm, because that's what clouds do.

Jax: Oh...why?

Me: Because that's the way the world works.

Great. It's true. It's finally happened. I have officially turned into my parents. It's true I didn't say, "Because I said so." But I thought it. And I said something else that basically means the same thing. Is there no going back? Is there no hope for me? Can I make it through the next who-knows-how-many-years-of-"why" without losing my mind and saying it?

I don't know.

Why?

I just don't know.

Why?

(sigh)

Because I said so.

It's "amole"!

el Jedi (one of the slew of nicknames we call our lil man) is becoming quite the connoisseur of solid foods these days. and with that comes a serving of finicky with a side of attitude.

how is a new mom to make sure her bouncing baby boy gets the right nutrients he needs when he outright refuses to eat certain foods? it's called a little creativity in the kitchen (though i'm sure some would call it trickery or the like).

first, you gotta to know what the man likes. what would that be,  you ask? bananas, sweet potato, and avocado.  all good stuff in my book. and how do i know he prefers these? well, it could be the fact that at 9 1/2 months old he outright asks for banana ("nananana!")--cute, i know. and when he eats the others he makes the "mmmm-mmmm" sound as he eats. oh, and he bangs on the tray for more.

second, you've gotta figure out what he doesn't like--that's not hard to tell at all...just wait for the nose wrinkle of disgust...and then the food so lovingly prepared and delicately spooned into his mouth will come sliding back out and down the chin onto the bib. lovely. 

third, you've gotta try to figure out what combinations of "yummy", acceptable food will work to hide the "yucky" completely detestable food. oh...and you've gotta be willing to try it yourself. just in case.

the only problem is that the intolerable food list far outweighs the acceptable food list. and, out of the 3 yummy foods, there's really only one that seems to be great as a "hide-all" mix-in.  that's avocado. i mean, am i wrong or does the idea of banana and broccoli just sound too appalling? guacamole to the rescue. well, really just the avocado.

• 1st up to the plate was broccoli. it definitely did NOT pass the Jax test. honestly, my first thought was, "Great. I made all that broccoli. What the hell am I going to do with it now? There's no way I'm eating pureed broccoli!" (don't you love the irony, here?)
• introducing broccomole! he eats it every time. well, most times. as long as the taste of broccoli is appropriately masked by the avocado. i'd say the mixture's about 1/2 and 1/2.  

• 2nd up to bat, carrot. i was really hoping the little bug would like carrot. i mean, i LOVE carrot. seriously. it's one of my all time favs (i know--it's a vegetable, not a song or a band or anything). but, alas...it was not meant to be.
• carrotamole... i'm still not sold on the name, though.  this one was a little tougher to get past the lil man. i honestly can't see that the taste of carrot is stronger than that of broccoli. i really think the problem was the texture. so this one had to be mixed REALLY well. in fact, it seems it would better just to puree the two together than to mix it in later. it's still about 1/2 carrot and 1/2 avocado--though sometimes it's more like 3/4 avocado. what can i say? he's become a bit picky lately.

• 3rd, zucchini. i had already figured out the summer squash was not to the Jedi's taste and had mixed that in with sweet potato to much success. but i didn't think zucchini would work the same way. maybe it was the coloring. i don't know. 
• zucchinamole was born. it's definitely not his favorite, and i use it pretty sparingly. i'm lucky if i can get him to eat the whole serving. but, that's more than he ate when it was just zucchini.

• 4th, kale. oh kale, you are a tricky one...even for me. i find the taste of raw kale to be very bitter. and the taste of cooked kale? well, it's still a little bitter (all greens are, really...to me at least) but it's not as bad. of course, i like mine with a little soy sauce, onions, garlic and maybe some red pepper and sesame seeds. hey, they're good for you, right? but Jax can't eat all that stuff yet, so he gets his plain.
• kaleamole.  it's 1/2 and 1/2 on this one too. i honestly didn't even start with the kale plain and by itself. i just knew i was gonna have to "amole" it up. he seems to kinda dig this mixture. i tried it myself and i kind of like it to. might have to start eating my own kale this way. maybe.

• 5th? i'm not sure yet. we tried beets today. from the moment it hit his tongue, i knew they were a resounding "No". it was the trifecta. i got the infamous nose wrinkle and he gagged. and then it came dribbling down the chin. great. somehow, though i just don't think "beetamole" is going to become my next culinary creation.  maybe sweet beets or beet potato. or beetanana?

i don't know. i'll get back to you.

the old people were right....

c'est la vie, say the old folks...

and dangit they're right. time flies when you're:
sleep-deprived.
working full time.
engrossed in trying to be super mommy.
and...
in love.

i have 2 of the most wonderful men on the planet. and i love both of them to death. it's amazing how crazy things have become. how difficult this whole "parenting thing" is. and how much i love it. i miss so much about how our lives used to be, but i am soooo in love with my little family unit. "El Jedi" is so amazing. he hasn't been an "easy" child from the get-go. in fact, i would categorize him as a "high-needs child" (there's a book...trust me on this). but he has such PERSONALITY. really he does.

case in point:

1) he loves social settings.

we took him to Eeyore's Birthday (a free freakfest in the park here in the ATX). Eeyore's is a tradition--we go every year. i dress up every year (as does everyone else). there's much fun to be had by all...and lots of it is just because you're people watching. well, Jax fits right in.
the entire day before we actually got there, he was "Mr. Fussy". nothing was making him happy. we put him in the car and he talks the whole way there. it was as if he knew he was about to experience a good ol' hippie time! walking into the park, he was just looking around at everyone and every thing, babbling to himself. we set up a blanket and he played and talked and giggled...watching people.
i think he was most amazed with the people who were hooping. i mean don't we all just watch hoopers anyway?

then we took him to see a free Bob Schneider show. he was jumping (well, with some mommy and daddy help), dancing and singing. just hammin it up. and once again, he was into watching the people. making eye contact with people that walked by...especially the ladies. my boy LOVES the ladies! and i think he likes music, too.

i love seeing my lil guy enjoying social settings like these. it makes me feel good about the way things are going to turn out. making me feel like i CAN continue to do the things i love and include him in them.




one of the things i have missed the most since Jax has been around is the music. i miss seeing shows and dancing. obviously, i won't be taking him to any late night shows any time soon, but i feel like if i can find the right daytime events, he's gonna have a great time...we all will.

2)

he is proud of his successes. it is sooo cute. he's been able to stand (with help, of course) for quite a while now. lately he's begun holding out his hands to grab mine or Daddy's and he pulls himself up to standing. when he does it, he makes himself as tall as he can and looks around and smiles as if to say, "Look what I did!" and then he does a little baby dance. cute!

3)

he has recently begun giving kisses. it really started about 2 months ago. he would put his open mouth onto someone's cheek and just look at them. that was his kiss. pretty slobbery, but very sweet and cute. then, just this last week, he started leaning in to kiss me. his mouth closed, he would look at my mouth and lean in towards it, plant his lips onto mine, then pull away. he would repeat this 5 or 6 times and smile.
like i said, i'm in love.
then, just yesterday, when we looked in the mirror to say "hi" to our reflections, he leaned in and kissed himself. my baby is narcissistic. but at least he's got some major personality!!

I LOVE MY JAXON!

guilt

growing up, you think you understand guilt.
there are things you do that you know you shouldn't
you tell a lie to save yourself a few times
you forget to do your chores or your homework
you disappoint your parents
you feel guilt.

you get a little older and you feel guilt and think you understand it a bit more--but this time, it's not because of an interaction with others, it's from not meeting your own expectations.
guilt for drinking too much and acting a fool
guilt for eating what you know you shouldn't
guilt for not working out like you had planned to do
you feel guilt.

but, you never truly understand guilt until you are a parent. now, i couldn't have said this, or understood it even, until now. and it's not anyone telling me i should do things differently or anyone "harping" on me, being disappointed in me and my actions or nonactions.
Jaxon doesn't have a way to tell me i should feel guilty, but i do.

Guilt for working full time and not being there day in and day out for him
Guilt for getting frustrated when he wakes me up in the middle of the night
Guilt for wanting to have something in my life that doesn't involve him, that's my
own thing (yoga, pilates, dance)
Guilt for feeling resentful that i don't get to do the things i want
Guilt for everything that i feel i'm not doing right or feeling ignorant about


there is just no way to know how you will react to things and no way to know how you will feel about things until you are in the situation. and you just have to learn to work through it.
the cycle continues...
wow. a learning experience...
what else do i say?

Mommy Vignettes--will be adding more!

1.The plan was natural—all natural. No need for a doctor, or interventions, or “drugs”.
2 AM and it begins.
5:45 AM at the birthing center—full of hope, determination and nervous energy. Everything looks good.
12 hours later…things just aren’t working. Time for a transfer…is hope lost? 6AM—tears flow from two different faces. A decision is made. One that will change everything, but circumstances necessitate. A husband supports his laboring wife through it all.
6:41 AM the cries of a newborn fill the surgery room. Tears flow again, but of joy this time.
When will this end?

2.A dark hospital room, lit only by faint fluorescent seeping through the crack under the bathroom door. A new mother lies in bed, a light sleep allowing her minimal rest for the task awaiting her. A newborn boy snuggled, wrapped under the sheet, nuzzles the neck of his mother, immediately understanding and accepting of her protective touch.
When will this end?

3.Emergency status--that was the diagnosis. Already a pound lost and less than a week old. Refusal to nurse. Crying, crying, crying. The tears stream down three different faces. A new father feeds by syringe. The babe has to have formula, a less than ideal start to this new life.
When will this end?

Nursing:
12 AM
2 AM
4 AM
6 AM
8 AM
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?

4.Sitting all alone. Her husband sleeps a restless slumber, she groggily feeds their child. Resentment builds against the sleeping world. Hoping for some return to normalcy. Feeling alone and smothered.
When will this end?

5.Crying. Diaper change. Crying. Feeding. Crying. What does he need?? Feeling helpless to make it better. Ignorance is an unpleasant taste in her mouth. A trial by fire.
When will this end?

6.Snuggling in the crook of her neck, arms limp at his sides. Breathing in the scent of his mother as he giggles quietly in his sleep, dreaming of who knows what. Breath so sweet, she smiles, in love.
When will this end?

7.A routine: bath, lotion, stories, nursing…he falls asleep on her shoulder. Yay! The mother feels victorious as she sneaks out of the room, prepared to conquer many a line from her “To-Do” list. The feeling of triumph is quickly replaced by despair as cries pierce the air minutes later. The soothing: pat-pat-pat, rock-rock-rock, bounce-bounce-bounce, shh-shh-shh begins…and continues on…
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?

troubles in La-La Land....

poor lil baby Jax. he is NOT a fan of sleeping...or at least not of FALLING asleep. but his mommy and daddy sure are! it is at this time in his life that we are working with a sleep schedule and a bedtime routine. but damn is it unpleasant!

i feel like i'm doing something wrong because it takes anywhere from 1-3+ hours to get the guy "officially" asleep for the night. that seems abnormal. and when he finally does sleep, it's after much soothing on our parts and it seems he's just crashing b/c he's so tired. and then the whole next day he's just off.

we start sometime b/t 5 and 5:30 with a bath/lotion, stories (sometimes) and nursing. then it's rocking in the glider, patting him on the back and the constant "shhhh-shhhh-shhhh". gradually he falls asleep after much twitching and "groaning" (although it is soooo cute!). i continue to pat the back and rock, but take out the "shhh" and pat lighter and lighter until all i'm doing is rocking. just when i think we're good to go, he turns his face back and forth on my shoulder, whimpers and starts his fussing again.

back to the soothing routine of "rock, pat, shhhh....rock, pat shhhh" over and over again. back to sleep he goes, with some protesting along the way. once again i get him to a point where it seems safe and i slowly get up from the glider and make my way to the crib. if i'm lucky, i can get him into the crib and sneak away to eat dinner. oftentimes i'm not lucky and the minute i begin to put him into the crib, or once i've got him in the crib, he starts to cry and wakes up.

soothe.
soothe.
soothe.

try again. this time will i eat my dinner? will i get to spend time with my baby daddy? should i start on the costume or choreography i need to get to? what about that book i have to read for school? maybe i should just go to sleep.

soothe.
soothe.
soothe.

sometimes it repeats over and over again for a few hours until i just give up and take him into the bed with me and we both go to sleep.
sometimes he goes to sleep and wakes up 30 minutes later, then i soothe him back to sleep.

this can't be normal...or can it?

now, i have to say, once he's down, he's out for a few hours...4 if we're lucky. then he's in the bed with me, waking about every 2 hours or so. sometimes to nurse, others because of some other reason--

he's hot...
he want's to stretch out...
he wants to snuggle...
he's wet...
he's gassy...

there are so many variables when it comes to the continuity of his sleep--and mine.

i get so annoyed when i have to keep soothing him over and over again just to get him to go to sleep. i want him to have healthy sleep habits, but i feel like it's such a struggle and i get so frustrated with it...with him. i want to have the opportunity to do what i want to do. i want to feel some freedom, not like i'm tied down and imprisoned in the nursery, destined to spend eternity in the glider while the rest of the world moves on without me. and then i get angry with myself for getting upset with him and for feeling so selfish. he's a baby for crying out loud---what does he know? this is how he is...he can't help it. we are his whole world right now.

and then i think i need to just accept it for what it is and learn to work with it. deal with it. he'll only be in this stage for a short period of time. he WANTS to snuggle with me and sleep on my chest. he won't want to do that in a short time. before i know it, he'll be off on his own--married, a child of his own, forgetting to call his mother.

geez, i'm getting ahead of myself. but it does help, in some ways to think of the impending future. it allows me to see the other side of this struggle and to appreciate the good parts of it. to see it for the positive.

and i just can't help it--i love, love, love that little boy snuggled up in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent, grabbing hold of my shirt, drooling on my shoulder....and i don't want him to grow up too fast.

so, i'll deal with the struggle for sleep, knowing that in no time at all, he'll be sleeping the days away and i'll be fighting to get him up in the morning.

HELP!! i am a milk machine! (or maybe just a cow...)

got milk? i do. and the Baby Jax prefers it to anything else. and while that IS a good thing, i feel like i am one big set of milk-producing boobies, ready to be chomped upon.

who calms the crying baby? the milk machine.
who gets up at all hours of the night? the milk machine.
who is at his beck and call? the milk machine.
who has an overactive let down? the milk machine.
you want to gulp down your food cause ya got somewhere to go, somethin to do, people to see? come to the milk machine.

poor baby Jax who regularly gets sprayed in the face, gulps down his food so fast and loudly, i swear the kid's done in 5-10 minutes... and has the air bubbles to prove it.

i worry:
how can i feed this little piglet enough AND pump so that there's a supply for a night out, or when i go back to work?
how can anyone calm him down when he's upset---they're not the milk machine.

in some ways that makes me really happy...and in other ways, i think it really sucks ass.

but what the babe wants, the babe gets...and i wonder, when do i get mine? what would i want anyway? hmmmmm...i'll get back to you on that one.

grieving

there is a certain amount of grieving one has to do in life. it's part of what makes us human and humble...and what makes us realize our mortality which is essential to living life the way it was meant to be.
grief usually is when something is lost--a loved one, a memento, an opportunity...
but grieving also happens at birth. you grieve for the "loss" of your "former" life. you grieve for the loss of actually being pregnant. and you grieve when the birth doesn't happen the way you envisioned and planned for all those months. of course, you aren't in control of much when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth, but you hope you'll have the opportunity to experience this birth the way you planned. and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard to accept it and move on.
granted you have a beautiful little being living and breathing because of all the love and hard work you did BEFORE the birth. and that's what really counts. but when you feel like all the things you did to get yourself ready to give birth really didn't matter because your ideal birth was taken away from you in the end, it hurts. and you grieve.
you second guess the things you did from the time you knew you were in labor and you wonder what could you have done differently? this wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. you feel like it affects your recovery--would that have been different if things would have worked out for you? you feel like it affects the way your body looks. you feel like it affects the things you can physically do now--you've had major abdominal surgery.
that's the most difficult thing of all. knowing that throughout the pregnancy, surgery and unnecessary interventions are what you wanted to avoid. you're healthy, active and fit. so of course, there's no way you could need help getting this baby out. but in the end it's not up to you. it never was.
and for that, you grieve.