the old people were right....

c'est la vie, say the old folks...

and dangit they're right. time flies when you're:
sleep-deprived.
working full time.
engrossed in trying to be super mommy.
and...
in love.

i have 2 of the most wonderful men on the planet. and i love both of them to death. it's amazing how crazy things have become. how difficult this whole "parenting thing" is. and how much i love it. i miss so much about how our lives used to be, but i am soooo in love with my little family unit. "El Jedi" is so amazing. he hasn't been an "easy" child from the get-go. in fact, i would categorize him as a "high-needs child" (there's a book...trust me on this). but he has such PERSONALITY. really he does.

case in point:

1) he loves social settings.

we took him to Eeyore's Birthday (a free freakfest in the park here in the ATX). Eeyore's is a tradition--we go every year. i dress up every year (as does everyone else). there's much fun to be had by all...and lots of it is just because you're people watching. well, Jax fits right in.
the entire day before we actually got there, he was "Mr. Fussy". nothing was making him happy. we put him in the car and he talks the whole way there. it was as if he knew he was about to experience a good ol' hippie time! walking into the park, he was just looking around at everyone and every thing, babbling to himself. we set up a blanket and he played and talked and giggled...watching people.
i think he was most amazed with the people who were hooping. i mean don't we all just watch hoopers anyway?

then we took him to see a free Bob Schneider show. he was jumping (well, with some mommy and daddy help), dancing and singing. just hammin it up. and once again, he was into watching the people. making eye contact with people that walked by...especially the ladies. my boy LOVES the ladies! and i think he likes music, too.

i love seeing my lil guy enjoying social settings like these. it makes me feel good about the way things are going to turn out. making me feel like i CAN continue to do the things i love and include him in them.




one of the things i have missed the most since Jax has been around is the music. i miss seeing shows and dancing. obviously, i won't be taking him to any late night shows any time soon, but i feel like if i can find the right daytime events, he's gonna have a great time...we all will.

2)

he is proud of his successes. it is sooo cute. he's been able to stand (with help, of course) for quite a while now. lately he's begun holding out his hands to grab mine or Daddy's and he pulls himself up to standing. when he does it, he makes himself as tall as he can and looks around and smiles as if to say, "Look what I did!" and then he does a little baby dance. cute!

3)

he has recently begun giving kisses. it really started about 2 months ago. he would put his open mouth onto someone's cheek and just look at them. that was his kiss. pretty slobbery, but very sweet and cute. then, just this last week, he started leaning in to kiss me. his mouth closed, he would look at my mouth and lean in towards it, plant his lips onto mine, then pull away. he would repeat this 5 or 6 times and smile.
like i said, i'm in love.
then, just yesterday, when we looked in the mirror to say "hi" to our reflections, he leaned in and kissed himself. my baby is narcissistic. but at least he's got some major personality!!

I LOVE MY JAXON!

Mommy Vignettes--will be adding more!

1.The plan was natural—all natural. No need for a doctor, or interventions, or “drugs”.
2 AM and it begins.
5:45 AM at the birthing center—full of hope, determination and nervous energy. Everything looks good.
12 hours later…things just aren’t working. Time for a transfer…is hope lost? 6AM—tears flow from two different faces. A decision is made. One that will change everything, but circumstances necessitate. A husband supports his laboring wife through it all.
6:41 AM the cries of a newborn fill the surgery room. Tears flow again, but of joy this time.
When will this end?

2.A dark hospital room, lit only by faint fluorescent seeping through the crack under the bathroom door. A new mother lies in bed, a light sleep allowing her minimal rest for the task awaiting her. A newborn boy snuggled, wrapped under the sheet, nuzzles the neck of his mother, immediately understanding and accepting of her protective touch.
When will this end?

3.Emergency status--that was the diagnosis. Already a pound lost and less than a week old. Refusal to nurse. Crying, crying, crying. The tears stream down three different faces. A new father feeds by syringe. The babe has to have formula, a less than ideal start to this new life.
When will this end?

Nursing:
12 AM
2 AM
4 AM
6 AM
8 AM
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?

4.Sitting all alone. Her husband sleeps a restless slumber, she groggily feeds their child. Resentment builds against the sleeping world. Hoping for some return to normalcy. Feeling alone and smothered.
When will this end?

5.Crying. Diaper change. Crying. Feeding. Crying. What does he need?? Feeling helpless to make it better. Ignorance is an unpleasant taste in her mouth. A trial by fire.
When will this end?

6.Snuggling in the crook of her neck, arms limp at his sides. Breathing in the scent of his mother as he giggles quietly in his sleep, dreaming of who knows what. Breath so sweet, she smiles, in love.
When will this end?

7.A routine: bath, lotion, stories, nursing…he falls asleep on her shoulder. Yay! The mother feels victorious as she sneaks out of the room, prepared to conquer many a line from her “To-Do” list. The feeling of triumph is quickly replaced by despair as cries pierce the air minutes later. The soothing: pat-pat-pat, rock-rock-rock, bounce-bounce-bounce, shh-shh-shh begins…and continues on…
and on…
and on…
and on…
When will this end?

troubles in La-La Land....

poor lil baby Jax. he is NOT a fan of sleeping...or at least not of FALLING asleep. but his mommy and daddy sure are! it is at this time in his life that we are working with a sleep schedule and a bedtime routine. but damn is it unpleasant!

i feel like i'm doing something wrong because it takes anywhere from 1-3+ hours to get the guy "officially" asleep for the night. that seems abnormal. and when he finally does sleep, it's after much soothing on our parts and it seems he's just crashing b/c he's so tired. and then the whole next day he's just off.

we start sometime b/t 5 and 5:30 with a bath/lotion, stories (sometimes) and nursing. then it's rocking in the glider, patting him on the back and the constant "shhhh-shhhh-shhhh". gradually he falls asleep after much twitching and "groaning" (although it is soooo cute!). i continue to pat the back and rock, but take out the "shhh" and pat lighter and lighter until all i'm doing is rocking. just when i think we're good to go, he turns his face back and forth on my shoulder, whimpers and starts his fussing again.

back to the soothing routine of "rock, pat, shhhh....rock, pat shhhh" over and over again. back to sleep he goes, with some protesting along the way. once again i get him to a point where it seems safe and i slowly get up from the glider and make my way to the crib. if i'm lucky, i can get him into the crib and sneak away to eat dinner. oftentimes i'm not lucky and the minute i begin to put him into the crib, or once i've got him in the crib, he starts to cry and wakes up.

soothe.
soothe.
soothe.

try again. this time will i eat my dinner? will i get to spend time with my baby daddy? should i start on the costume or choreography i need to get to? what about that book i have to read for school? maybe i should just go to sleep.

soothe.
soothe.
soothe.

sometimes it repeats over and over again for a few hours until i just give up and take him into the bed with me and we both go to sleep.
sometimes he goes to sleep and wakes up 30 minutes later, then i soothe him back to sleep.

this can't be normal...or can it?

now, i have to say, once he's down, he's out for a few hours...4 if we're lucky. then he's in the bed with me, waking about every 2 hours or so. sometimes to nurse, others because of some other reason--

he's hot...
he want's to stretch out...
he wants to snuggle...
he's wet...
he's gassy...

there are so many variables when it comes to the continuity of his sleep--and mine.

i get so annoyed when i have to keep soothing him over and over again just to get him to go to sleep. i want him to have healthy sleep habits, but i feel like it's such a struggle and i get so frustrated with it...with him. i want to have the opportunity to do what i want to do. i want to feel some freedom, not like i'm tied down and imprisoned in the nursery, destined to spend eternity in the glider while the rest of the world moves on without me. and then i get angry with myself for getting upset with him and for feeling so selfish. he's a baby for crying out loud---what does he know? this is how he is...he can't help it. we are his whole world right now.

and then i think i need to just accept it for what it is and learn to work with it. deal with it. he'll only be in this stage for a short period of time. he WANTS to snuggle with me and sleep on my chest. he won't want to do that in a short time. before i know it, he'll be off on his own--married, a child of his own, forgetting to call his mother.

geez, i'm getting ahead of myself. but it does help, in some ways to think of the impending future. it allows me to see the other side of this struggle and to appreciate the good parts of it. to see it for the positive.

and i just can't help it--i love, love, love that little boy snuggled up in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent, grabbing hold of my shirt, drooling on my shoulder....and i don't want him to grow up too fast.

so, i'll deal with the struggle for sleep, knowing that in no time at all, he'll be sleeping the days away and i'll be fighting to get him up in the morning.

HELP!! i am a milk machine! (or maybe just a cow...)

got milk? i do. and the Baby Jax prefers it to anything else. and while that IS a good thing, i feel like i am one big set of milk-producing boobies, ready to be chomped upon.

who calms the crying baby? the milk machine.
who gets up at all hours of the night? the milk machine.
who is at his beck and call? the milk machine.
who has an overactive let down? the milk machine.
you want to gulp down your food cause ya got somewhere to go, somethin to do, people to see? come to the milk machine.

poor baby Jax who regularly gets sprayed in the face, gulps down his food so fast and loudly, i swear the kid's done in 5-10 minutes... and has the air bubbles to prove it.

i worry:
how can i feed this little piglet enough AND pump so that there's a supply for a night out, or when i go back to work?
how can anyone calm him down when he's upset---they're not the milk machine.

in some ways that makes me really happy...and in other ways, i think it really sucks ass.

but what the babe wants, the babe gets...and i wonder, when do i get mine? what would i want anyway? hmmmmm...i'll get back to you on that one.

grieving

there is a certain amount of grieving one has to do in life. it's part of what makes us human and humble...and what makes us realize our mortality which is essential to living life the way it was meant to be.
grief usually is when something is lost--a loved one, a memento, an opportunity...
but grieving also happens at birth. you grieve for the "loss" of your "former" life. you grieve for the loss of actually being pregnant. and you grieve when the birth doesn't happen the way you envisioned and planned for all those months. of course, you aren't in control of much when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth, but you hope you'll have the opportunity to experience this birth the way you planned. and when it doesn't happen that way, it's hard to accept it and move on.
granted you have a beautiful little being living and breathing because of all the love and hard work you did BEFORE the birth. and that's what really counts. but when you feel like all the things you did to get yourself ready to give birth really didn't matter because your ideal birth was taken away from you in the end, it hurts. and you grieve.
you second guess the things you did from the time you knew you were in labor and you wonder what could you have done differently? this wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. you feel like it affects your recovery--would that have been different if things would have worked out for you? you feel like it affects the way your body looks. you feel like it affects the things you can physically do now--you've had major abdominal surgery.
that's the most difficult thing of all. knowing that throughout the pregnancy, surgery and unnecessary interventions are what you wanted to avoid. you're healthy, active and fit. so of course, there's no way you could need help getting this baby out. but in the end it's not up to you. it never was.
and for that, you grieve.